Point/Counterpoint: Just Fart It Out, Jeff vs. For the Love of All that is Holy, Jeff, Get to the Bathroom Now

Just Fart it Out by Jeff’s Brain Well Jeff, I have to say this date with Katelyn is going great. She’s laughing at your jokes, she loves the movie you picked, and let’s just say that you might not get enough sleep tonight to make me happy. But, now we’ve gotten to a pretty boring part in the movie, and your stomach is telling you that it might be time to go drop a deuce. Well, I can say with absolute certainty that your stomach is just being a whiny bitch.

Listen, Katelyn is the first woman you’ve met in years that hasn’t been absolutely repulsed by you.  In fact, she may even be feeling—dare I say it—attracted to you. I know, it’s weird for me too, but that’s why you’ve got to do your best to keep her. Forever.

But if you try to go to the bathroom now, what will Katelyn think? Oh, can’t handle the ‘boring’ parts of a movie Jeff? Everyone knows that’s where the true emotions shine through. I knew I should have stayed with Darien. He actually appreciated the nuances of a great film. You don’t want that, and through the conversations I’ve had with the nerves in your penis over the year or so, I know they certainly don’t want that either.

So, my advice? Just fart it out. You’re at your house, so nobody else is going to hear you. Who knows, she may even find your vulnerability strangely arousing. I know it’s a sacrifice Jeff, but you have to make it. Do it for Katelyn. Do it for us.

For the Love of All That is Holy Jeff, Get to the Bathroom Now by Jeff’s Anus

Hey Jeff, great date right? Well, not for me, exactly. You see, I’ve been holding up this massive, ungodly amount of shit for about 3 hours now, and I think my strength might be at an end.

Jeff, believe me, you do not wanna try to fart this shit out. I am just seconds, SECONDS away from running out of strength here. As in less than a minute. As in your pants will be covered in the digested remains of a Chipotle burrito and that 2 week old pizza in the fridge that seemed like such a good idea at the time.

The floodgates are about to open Jeff, and it’s going to be a flood of biblical proportions. This time, though, Noah’s ark isn’t going to survive the storm, and the only animals left will be the bacteria that cover the unrelenting waterfall of feces that are going to inundate your brand new boxer briefs.

Now I know you’re trying to protect your relationship with Katelyn, but believe me when I say that trying to fart this out will end up as both a literal and figurative shitstorm. Once she sees the monstrosity that I’m about to let loose, she might just give up her quest for love and finally accept that she will never attain physical or emotional fulfillment through the imperfect object that is the human body.

But this can all be avoided if you run to the bathroom now. For real though, NOW! I'M LOSING MY HOLD JEFF! YOU HAVE TO GO NOW OR IT’S GONNA BE TOO LA--