An American Haunting: Summer Sublet Edition
June 24, 2014 I’m all moved into my new sublet apartment. Gosh golly, I feel like an adult. I’m going to do more adult things like keep this little journal along with other cool adult stuff like taking trains to work by myself and showering with the door open. I was really worried about not having anyone to sublet an apartment from this summer. It’s a good thing I’m in a fraternity with Rick “Cream Scoop” Rodriguez. Everyone calls him Cream Scoop because the ecstasy he abused took an ice cream scoop-sized hole from his brain. While I’m in his apartment, he’s working as a camp counselor at Yo$emite, a hiking program for urban youth. I’ll try to keep the place clean, but there’s not much I can do about the creaking doors, occasional black sludge oozing from the sink, and the little voice whispering to me from under my bed at night.
July 1, 2014
I’m noticing some weird things around the apartment. Like, for example, when I’m binge watching One Tree Hill in my bed, I can hear the front door slamming over and over again. But, when I go to check, no one is there and my name is written in blood on the wall. I must have a rat problem. Or squirrels. Aw, I hope it’s a squirrel. On a happy note, I’ve started having nice little conversations with the voice that whispers to me at night from under my bed! He says his name is Beelzebub, but I call him Lil Beezy. We’re pals.
July 7, 2014
Man, the last few days have been the worst. Dogs who walk by my apartment won’t stop barking, the old Romani gypsy woman on the floor above me keeps leaving a trail of herbs outside my door, and my girlfriend Jessica broke up with me. I think she left me because she doesn’t like Lil Beezy. He kept whispering about “giving him a Dark Lord son” from under my bed while we were doing it. Bros before hoes though, am I right? Besides, she’ll come around—or, as Lil Beezy puts it, “Her time will come.”
July 15, 2014
Jessica died. She gagged on a spoon while she was eating nonfat blueberry yogurt. She knew Greek pomegranate was our flavor. Heartless bitch! She moved on to a different yogurt flavor, so she was probably moving on to other guys. The police wonder how Jessica managed to get a spoon halfway down her esophagus. She always was clumsy… I think something isn’t right here.
July 24, 2014
Lil Beezy keeps trying to absorb my life force! Not. Cool. We’re supposed to be pals, but he’s using me. I think I’m connecting the dots: supernatural phenomenon, the death of my loved ones, and the unexplained appearances by priests? Lil Beezy is an Al Qaeda. I love America, and no terrorist is going to live in my home!
July 25, 2014
When I told Lil Beezy I wanted him to move out, he was not happy. He telekinetically lifted my dresser and launched it out the window at a school bus filled with kids going to a summer camp. Then, he took my phone and texted my mom that I got a girl pregnant. That’s not funny! My mom is so strict and she pays my rent. What is she going to think? Oh, I also found out that Lil Beezy is not an Al Qaeda, but is in fact one of the seven princes of Hell.
August 1, 2014
After Lil Beezy left his demon semen on the picture of my grandma I leave on my nightstand, it was the last straw. Father O’Donnell came by today and read that Bible story about that big flood and all the cute animals. Lil Beezy decided to leave after that. The whispers, tremors, and materialization of bodily fluids stopped, which is really great because I really wasn’t getting through as many REM cycles at night as I needed to have a productive day. The down side is I’m on trial for Jessica’s murder. I’m going to have to stop writing for a little while, but things will work out. Summer subletting has been a great experience, and I think everyone should try it. So long for now!
