16 Tips for the Winter Job Fair

1. Research all potential employers beforehand, including location of their offices, company career track, and which upper-level executive you would most like to sleep with.
2. Take out your genitals and wipe them on the sign-in sheet so that they know you are a real go-getter.
3. Bring exactly 47 copies of your resume.  If you bring any number of resumes besides that number, everyone will be able to tell and they’ll all laugh at you.
4. Read “The Handwriting Styles of Highly Effective People” (Mullings, 2005) and write your name on your nametag in one of the 12 styles deemed “Highly Effective” by said book.
5. Wear a suit with tear-away pants, so that when you greet a potential employer, you can yell “Put me in, coach!” and rip the pants off dramatically, revealing a sleek and colorful pair of basketball shorts.
6. Never look any employer in the eye, lest they turn you to stone.
7. Show you're not just some brown-nosing suck-up by giving the recruiter an atomic wedgie and then spitting on their grandmother's grave.
8. A lot of the upper levels of these consulting companies are real "boys clubs," so make sure that you really talk up your penis, especially if you don't have one.
9. Bring at least 40 feet of rope.  Trust us.  You’ll know what to do with it when you get there.
10. Prepare an elevator pitch that you can give to any visiting CEO you may meet in the Norris elevator.  Deliver the pitch to anyone who enters the elevator.
11. Let your employer know you’re interested by giving them a gentle but playful touch on the arm or shoulder.
12. Have a surgeon attach a snowplow to your sternum so that you can more easily push people out of the way as you navigate the upstairs floor of Norris.
13. Make a personal (non-job-related) connection with whichever employer you talk to.  Possible non-job-related points of connection: Sports, and that’s it really.
14. Lead off with the line “Man, those Bain guys are real pussies, aren’t they?”  (Note: Do not use if talking to Bain).
15. Learn the secret handshake that everyone gets taught upon gaining employment and perform it with an employer.  Be sure to stretch first!
16. Switch your major to Economics and go into consulting.