5 Things Men Ages 20-30 Sent Me on Tinder This Week

Full disclosure: I use Tinder, I am good at Tinder and I do not discriminate against those who use Tinder. I am a traditionalist and like to let men approach me first—and usually, they do so in a manner worth documenting. Please enjoy these VERY REAL* messages I received and my gut reactions. Important note: My bio references a dislike for pudding.

1. “Really?! A girl who possesses a hatred for pudding? Who hates pudding?! I mean, I’m not a big fan, but come on?!”

Why are we shouting about pudding? Do all girls you’ve met like pudding? Is there some inherent desire for a gelatinous substance that all females desire? I can promise you, no females ENJOY gelatinous substances—the spit or swallow debate exists for a reason, my friend.

2. “Hey do you wanna watch basketball tomorrow?”

I…um. No? Yes? Is this literal? Can playing basketball be construed as dirty? There’s a joke here about scoring/ball in a hoop/three pointer here that just seems wildly out of your (and my) reach.

3. “How do you feel about sucking my cock?”

I would say my temperature on that one is lukewarm. Definitely above having my toenails forcibly removed but definitely below removing my eyeballs with spoons.

4. “I never ask this, but do you want to meet up and just hook up. I want to cut straight to the point”

While I do not believe you never ask this (sorry, bruh), I want to help you. I want to teach you the ways of women, I want to educate you about how to approach a young lady in this context. First, if you are ‘asking’ something, this implies a question—please use appropriate punctuation. Second, ease the blow: tell me I’m ‘pretty’ or ‘hot’ or that I ‘made you sticky in your pants by the sheer sight of [my] face.’ Then you may inquire as to whether I would like to meet you for copulation purposes. Third, take a step back and realize you are literally acting out the beginning of every modern Lifetime Movie as you ask someone you’ve never met to ‘cut straight to the point’ with you. I like Lifetime Movies. Everyone seems to get to have ambiguous but satisfying sex before they die or lose their memories. However, I’m more of a indie movie gal: I sleep with people who are a little too skinny and wear t-shirts from vintage stores and don’t brush their hair often—and that’s only after they write me a song or a poem or a collection of short stories about how I understand their complex love of brooding, painting, drinking and records. Buy a t-shirt from the Goodwill down the street and then we’ll talk.

5. “Wow Dean Martin definitely said it best; how lucky can one guy be?”

The Dean Martin reference made me want to marry you. The use of a semi-colon made me want to do filthy, dirty, barely legal things to/with you.

*I’m not even kidding, these are so real.