University Library: We Bought You Guys a Puzzle. Now Please Solve it.

Hello students! We understand that finals week can be a stressful time, so here at the library, we asked ourselves, “What’s a great way to unwind from exams that’s not masturbation?” and decided that the answer was a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle. Please solve it!

We went to the store and picked out a really difficult looking one. It’s a really cool landscape design, and the sky is the exact same color palette as the water. I’m sure you’ve noticed it sitting on the table when you walk into Main. It’s been there for about a week now. You noticed it, right? Thought so. Frankly, we’re a little bit disappointed to see that it hasn’t been solved yet.

Now look, we didn’t have to put out the puzzle. In fact, we didn’t have to do anything for you. Technically, we’re only obligated to make sure you have books -- everything else we give you is a bonus. We just thought it would be a nice gesture, and we even spent our own money on it. Can you see why it’s a little bit hurtful to us that you’ve barely touched it yet?

To be fair, we see that the frame of the puzzle is half complete, and a little bit of the inside part is assembled, too. We would like to thank the students who have worked on it so far. It’s nice to know that some people care, but there is still a lot left. And besides, everyone knows that the frame is the easiest part of the puzzle. If you weren’t so lazy and inconsiderate, you would try doing the green part where the tree pieces are frustratingly indistinguishable from the ground.

Do you even care when we do something nice for you? Do you give a single fuck? Have you ever showed an ounce of gratitude in your life? Yeah right. If you had a drop of respect, you would have schlepped your “stressed” ass out of that little room in Core we watched you crying in over the security cameras, and you would have finished the puzzle. What’s it going to take? We won’t think twice about cancelling those fugly little horses next year that you love sooooo much more than our puzzle. Swear on the Dewey decimal system.