BREAKING: Scientists Discover Rimjobs are New Cure for Hemorrhoids

In the midst of coronavirus testing, Sphincter Labs reported a monumental breakthrough in the medical community. This exciting, new discovery kills two birds with one stone: it not only treats the common rectal condition known as hemorrhoids, but also helps you get that ass ate. 

The medical team’s leading doctor, who asked to be anonymous, explained, “By chewing literal butthole, you can lick the inflamed veins back IN. It’s like you’re reversing the hemorrhoid.” 

Although they acknowledged the scientific evidence is legitimate, the other members of the medical team confessed they don’t actually know how this discovery happened.

“[The leading doctor] just came in one day and said he made a huge breakthrough while doing some ‘personal research,’” said team member Riley Reid. “But actually he’s a dirty bitch so we all know wassup.” 

Regardless of how the discovery came to be, it is important to recognize the cure’s incredible benefits. Licking ass is free and completely accessible to all; anyone with a tongue can eat ass, and anyone with hemorrhoids can get their ass ate. Plus, eating ass is… um eating ass… who doesn’t…  want … that… 

Of course, the best cure for anything is prevention. Hemorrhoids can be caused by blowing ass into the toilet for more than 40 minutes at a time or getting dick cheese stuck in your butthole during sexy time. So, please, trade the Takis and lube in for a whirl on the fudge machine. 

Sphincter Labs plans to do more research and is currently seeking medical professionals based on strict criteria. Necessary qualifications include tongues longer than five inches (at rest, not sticking out), the ability to orally scoop the contents of a jello shot clean, and extreme grip strength for spreading cheeks apart. Fortunately, Northwestern’s Kellogg School is attached to this project, so individuals with no medical expertise, but INSANE talent in these skills can participate and receive compensation. 

This discovery is no coronavirus vaccine. Forget the antibodies and any hope to regain your sense of taste. But with this tentative, yet promising data, scientists are excited to report that getting your cake slurped will do you more help than harm when your butthole turns inside-out.