Leftist Sherman Ave Apologizes for Rigging the Election

Dear Readers,

We the Writers at Northwestern University’s Sherman Ave (though to call what we do as “writing” is gratuitous) would like to take sole responsibility for influencing the Presidential Election. 

President Donald Trump recently accused us, the “Silent Media,” of siding with the Radical Left to destroy democracy. With gripping news story headlines such as “Scientists Discover Rimjobs are New Cure for Hemorrhoids” and “Hooking Up at the Northwestern COVID-19 Test”, we here at Sherman Ave would like to take credit for systematically dismantling the democratic powers of our nation to further our own leftist agenda. 

We know that Mr. Trump considers us “fake news,” which is, by the very definition of satire, exactly what we are. But, we didn’t realize the extent of the emotional anguish we’ve caused him in the past four years, and would subsequently like to apologize for hurting his feelings. Also, with our national acclaim and legions of admirers, we have duped this election by speaking our minds and expressing freedom of speech. We’re truly so terribly sorry for practicing our basic human rights.

We understand that, at first glance, we may seem like an innocent tiny little ma-and-pa satire site that deals in sex jokes, but in reality, we’re responsible for reporting all the conspiracies which have been leveled against you: your verbal assault on those with mental disabilities, your dismissal of the impact of veterans, your misogyny against womankind… oh dip, these all actually happened! Never mind!

It’s also possible that one of our writers might’ve rigged her ballot by having accidentally spilled some sriracha sauce on the top right corner and written her signature on her ballot with a heart over the letter “i.” She wanted to express personally how badly she feels about tainting the results of the election... not that her vote was going to you anyways.

Thank you Mr. Trump for expressing your views to us. We’re sorry that we helped “Sleepy Joe” win, and look forward to our country being overrun by socialists, economy tanked by environmentalism, streets stormed by antifa, etc etc etc.

Xoxo,

Sherman Ave