Horoscopes for the Week of February 1, 2021
Hey. How are you doing? Really? Don’t lie to me. Come on now, sit on Peepaw’s lap and gimme a big ol’ sloppy one - tongue is encouraged!
This quarter got off to a rough start, but not to worry, my child. Everyone just needs some unsolicited guidance at this time, so after painstakingly detailed consultation with our resident astrologist Howard Stern, we’re providing you with horoscopes for the week. We pray you find both peace and purpose. We love you <3
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Shut the fuck up for fuck’s sake shut the fucking fuck up you fuck.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s time to put yourself first this solar return season and stop denying yourself life’s simple pleasures! Succumb to cannibalism!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You must kill Rupert Grint. Only then will you know peace.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all of us command. Car ton bras sait porter l’épée, il sait porter la croix! Ton histoire est une épopée des plus brillants exploits. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo is ruled by the heart and spine, and all celestial signs point to you getting Eiffel towered by The Chainsmokers. Recenter and find calm by getting your back blown out!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The full moon is presenting you with a fork in the road. Pick it up. Go on, pick up the fork, it won’t bite:) She’s a nice little fork, she’ll be good for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Please Jessica take me back I’ll do anything please god oh please oh… I can’t go on, the days and I, too, drag along like a fat cat’s belly over a bed of clipped toenails and I see no end to this cagéd suffering... everyday I wake up in agony, ugly crying your name... I got like seven noise complaints in the past two days they’re going to evict me.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
OH HEY YOU COSMIC QUEEN!!!! Your time is NOW. The portal is OPEN. SEIZE your POWER and KILL your STEPDAD.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The stars are quite clear! You will die on September 17, 2037 at 16:51 in a horrific car crash at the hands of your estranged chauffeur Bono. Your children will survive, but at what cost? They’re traumatized, and you can’t do anything about it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Damn, Cap! You fucking reek! Your musk is seeping through the screen! I’m literally plugging my nose right now. Jesus Christ, it’s basic fucking hygeine, Cap! Come on.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
THE ANTICHRIST WILL RISE!!!!! HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!
SACRIFICE SACRIFICE SACRIFICE ⤄⥈⥇⢝␢₡₯♜☙╭◦⎈§∂⊌⊍⟑⟴⳩✺⛢🃟
⌭⍼⑇♅☍🜓🝃🝤🝮🝪🝳
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Gay is sin. Stop.
With stardust and lionheart blessings, Howie thanks you for reading!
