An Anxious Girl’s Guide to Even MORE Places You Might Get Murdered on Campus

Hey you dirty little worry warts. You oozing little inflamed protuberances. You snotty little infected excrescences. You thought you could get rid of me, but I’m back. And I’m here to fill your hairy little chunk heads with even MORE places you might get murdered on campus. Go back and read part one if you haven’t already, you intelligent, beautiful, competent and caring human. Introducing: an anxious girl’s guide to even MORE places you might get murdered on campus.

1. Shag carpeted elevators 

2. The Deering basement

3. A practice room in Jones 

4.  The Deering basement bathroom 

5. The very very top of University 

6. The Deering basement bathroom stall closest to the door 

7. The Deering basement bathroom stall closest to the door where if you stand on the toilet whoever walks in can’t see you hiding there 

8. The Deering basement bathroom stall closest to the door where if you stand on the toilet whoever walks in can’t see you hiding there so you think you’re safe but really they can see your hair sticking out the top of the stall and they break the suspiciously dungeon-looking door down and strangle you in a strangely medieval way because the whole reason you’re being murdered in the Deering basement bathroom is because that’s the murderer’s kinky medieval M.O. and you’re buried in that creepy little garden at the bottom of Deering and then they print you in the Daily Northwestern but use your awful Wildcard photo in black and white to make it look sadder and that’s how you’re remembered from that point on until some fucking RTVF majors decide to make a short film about you and suddenly everyone forgets that you were like, super awesome, and cool cause now you’re just some description written under a casting call no one wants to audition for, like not even the theatre majors and they’ll die to be cast in anything but apparently not this, not a STUPID SHORT FILM ABOUT YOUR STUPID SHORT LIFE THAT FETISHIZES THE MURDERER FOR SOME REASON AND MAKES HIM SEEM SUPER HOT AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND GIVES YOU BRACES EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDNT HAVE BRACES LIKE WHY DID THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GIVE YOU BRACES

9. Locy Hall 

Hope this was helpful. If I die, please don’t make a short film about me. Pay me at least that much respect.