An Anxious Girl’s Guide to All the Places You Might Get Murdered on Campus

Seeing as that Northwestern underclassmen just arrived this quarter, it only seems right to offer a little guide to one of my go-to extracurricular activities—worrying. After all, I have lived on campus for one long, meaningful, eye-opening quarter. Look no further, freshmen! Here I offer you: an anxious girl’s guide to all the places you might get murdered on campus. 

1. The Main Library bathrooms 

You might be thinking, “Oh, libraries are quiet, I could never get murdered there.” But you would be wrong. The second floor bathrooms are juuuust secluded enough for murder. Don’t risk it.

2. Inside of an egg chair 

I know the egg chairs were a big part of your “Why Northwestern” essay, but I’m telling you right now—not worth it. Ever wonder why there are mysterious stains? Me neither, but let’s not add to the mystery. It also inhibits your peripheral vision, basically transforming you into a small rodent patiently waiting to be eaten. Avoid at all costs.

3. Any bathtub in a communal bathroom

Listen here, just because there IS a bathtub, does NOT mean you should go anywhere near it. Seriously, you’re not only risking your hygiene, but your LIFE. Keep out. 

4. The old Burger King on Orrington

The ghosts of chicken nuggets past. The corpse of the first person to try an Impossible Whopper. A shadowy figure that supposedly cooks his victims and calls them “fish sandwiches.” Overall spooky vibes. There’s literally no reason for you to be anywhere near there now, so, like, don’t. 

5. Bobb 

I don’t care if it is in broad daylight, you will always have at least a 60% chance of being murdered in Bobb. That one is just common sense. 

And there you have it! A guide to all the places you just might get murdered on campus! I’m sure that’s not all the places you might get murdered, but for now, this should get you through most of winter quarter alive. I guess we’ll see. Stay alert, Wildcats!