Budge over, curtain bangs. This fall, tapestry pubes are sweeping America!

Reporting by Tonight tonight there’s a party on the rooftop top of your mom

You’ve seen them. You know them. You love them.  

These days, it seems just about everyone from your mom, to your sister, to your mom’s sister’s mom has taken the coward’s dive into 70’s fringe territory. And who could blame them*? Curtain bangs provide that sexy adrenaline rush of a late-night full-bang chop without any of the risk. They frame every face, regardless of noggin profundity**! 

But what of the vahoodle? The gentlewoman’s hot pocket? The fortune coochie? Lizzo’s third eye? The vagine biennale?! 

Is sweet Barbara Bush to be left behind yet again, never to be styled or loved as she ought? Is Vagigi Hadid exiled from the runway, doomed to pace the halls of Granny Pantydom in secret shame, all because of your neglect? Is Kim KarSnatchian cancelled for good? 

No, comrades! To this I say fie. Because each and every Briar Rose is its own special shape and form, I thus declare them worthy of that same obsessive consideration we lend to our forehead.  Frame your vagina the right way, no matter your hair type!  

For some, that may mean a smooth, generous upsweep. For this “Fanny Fawcett” look, we recommend leaving your pubage slightly longer and placing in any curler of your choosing overnight. (In lieu of grape Fanta cans, which often prove too large, we recommend old batteries.) Be sure to brush out those curls and give them some extra shine with Aquafore, or perhaps Crisco. 

For others, the fresh-n-fun curly girl route can also yield some truly fantastic results. The name of the game here is volume, volume, volume! Tousling your furry foyer with a stiffer mousse or even hairspray can add some beautiful bounce. If your down-there-hair texture proves to retain too much moisture, a space heater may just be the tipping point. Soon enough, your bangs for banging, your shag for shagging, your mons for mounting will be near indistinguishable from one Sandra Oh’s glorious flowing mane.

Whatever your method, style them fun, style them fresh, style them stupid. Never mind the chemicals and destructive heat tools near one of your body’s most sensitive and vulnerable organs. It’s fun, it’s flirty, and most importantly, it’s a labia of love! Tell your local mail carrier, congresswoman, or literally any lady relative*** about Tapestry Pubes today! 

*’Them' being anyone from your mom to your sister, both of whom I had sex with last night.  

** ‘Every’ face being any face from your mom’s to your sister’s, both of which I sat on last night.  

*** “Lady relative” being any and every lady relative from your mom to your sister, all of whom I  — big surprise— had sex with last night!