Ask Sherman: Wildcat Welcome Ended Yesterday… Can I Bang My PA?

“Dear Sherman,

I have a problem… I’m in love with my Peer Adviser! They give great advice, look incredible in pale blue, and always text me back. Call me crazy, but it kinda feels like they’re into me, too! I mean, why else would they know my entire schedule? I have to ask… Is it too early to bang my PA?

Sincerely,

Dub Dub Lust”

Dear Dub Dub Lust, 

Don’t panic! We’ve all been there: blueballed by the erotic energy of the fuckfest that is Wildcat Welcome. And hey, who can blame ya? Our generation is reportedly having less sex than ever (CNN). 

It is NOT too early to bang your PA. In fact, it might be TOO LATE, pal. While you’re over here whining and pining in your Plex single, Taylor from Bobb has been scheduling extra “T” “N” “D”s, since that first lunch in Allison! But you can win ‘em back. If there’s one thing Northwestern PAs love, it’s an overachiever. 

Here’s the Sherman Ave guide to making that bandana-loving cutie swoon in three easy steps: 

1. Get Lost In Tech

Look, PAs love nothing more than to feel relevant and needed beyond Wildcat Welcome. For one glorious week, they reigned supreme. But now? No one gives a shit. So YOUR move is to lose yourself in Tech and then shoot them a panic text. They’ll hop on a Byrd and be by your side in no time! 

2. Have an Emotional Breakdown

Now that you’re somewhere between wing A and wing Z, you should be hearing the familiar jingle of PA backpack zippers. Once your hottie reaches you, it’s time to pull out the big guns. You tearfully exclaim, “It’s hard because, like, I was the smart kid in high school and now I’m just… average!” Boom. An imposter-syndrome-driven breakdown? This peer adviser’s wet dreams are finally coming true.

3. While You’re Down, Invite Them to Your Dorm Formal 

At this point, all you gotta do is give ‘em a Dormal invite to seal the deal! Then back to your place after. (At Northwestern, to have sex in Plex is to see the face of God.)

So, congrats! It is one week post Wildcat Welcome, and you’re in your first Northwestern relationship, grinding at La Macc like Willie himself. Sadly, it’ll be over in a quarter when they explain, “I'm super committed to Dance Marathon this year and I actually don't have time for this.” But dammit, LOVE is worth fighting for. Dub Dub love, that is.

Sincerely, 

Sherman

PS: If you’re a transfer, NONE of this applies to you.

Reporting by Dolphin Showmeyourbutthole and Daenerys Stormborn of the House Music, Worst of Her Name, the Sunburnt, Queen of the Sandals Resorts™ and the Fist Men, Khaleesi of the Great Ass Sea, Breaker of Chairs, and Mother of Dragon Tales™.