Belated Hot Take: Santa’s Not Real

Okay, so here’s the thing… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’m starting to get the teeniest-tiniest feeling that Santa Claus isn’t real. That’s right, folks––the jolly old man who delivers presents to every child in the entire world on a single night with the help of magical, flying reindeer MIGHT VERY WELL be a construction cultivated by our parents and a deeply-entrenched system of capitalist consumerism. I know this may seem crazy to you all, but just hear me out:

1. Every Mall Santa Looks Different

I know I’m “technically colorblind” but that shouldn’t change the fact that the Santa at Old Orchard looks completely different from the Santa at the mall back home. Plus my mall Santa from home wouldn’t even let me sit on his lap because I was “too old” and “scaring the children” and “needed to at least finish eating my Subway sandwich first.” The real Santa would never comment on the excess of onions in my Autumn Harvest Turkey sandwich… if there even is a real Santa.

(Plus, the mall Santa at Old Orchard totally denied everything when I tried to confront him about it. Seems pretty sus to me.)

2. My Mom Keeps Asking Me What I Want For Christmas

A few weeks ago I asked my mom if she would loan me some money for my ski trip ticket and she said, “Sure. It’ll be your Christmas gift.” I laughed and was like, “Yeah, right. Is Santa going to wire the money to you?” But then she just got really quiet and said she needed to talk to her friend Michelle “in private.” That got me thinkin’... maybe it’s the parents that buy the gifts, not Kris Kringle after all.

3. Show Me The Tax Returns (There aren’t any, I checked.)

I snuck into my uncle’s office at the IRS and , get this ,there is NO mention of ANY Santa Claus in their records. I searched St. Nick, Kris Kringle, even Pelznickel (of German origin), but there was nothing there. Either Santa’s been cooking the books or my parents’ are cooking up a scheme to get me to stop cyberbullying my cousin.

4. He Doesn’t Have a Twitter

I get not having a Facebook or an Instagram but Jesus Christ, it’s 2017!! Speaking of which, has anyone ever cleared up the relationship between Santa and Jesus? Is it like a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon kinda deal?

5. Global Warming

Oh, so he lives in the North Pole? All I'm sayin' is if Santa’s real now, he’s not gonna be for much longer.

6. Too Jolly

I mean, after the mess of a year we’ve had it honestly seems pretty fucked up that he’s still ho ho ho-ing at this point.

7. How Would Santa Actually Know If You’re Naughty or Nice?

In my moral philosophy class, we discussed Kant’s theory of deontological moral theory––the rightness or wrongness of actions do not depend on consequences, but on whether or not they fulfill our duty. On the other hand, Aristotle focuses solely on virtue. What moral philosophy would ol’ St. Nick ascribe to? Wouldn’t assigning good or bad values to children, who are, for the most part, a product of their parents, only serve to reinstil negative values and cause so-called “naughty children” to reiterate bad habits? Hmmm… sounds like Santa might not even have the moral capacity to designate “right” from “wrong.”

8. Every House In One Night?

This just seems unrealistic!

So there we have it––dear ol’ Saint Nick is a phony. As sad as it is, I think it’s time for us to finally face the facts: it is probably just our parents putting the presents under the tree.