Freshman Guide: Avoiding the Freshman Fifteen
It’s less than a week from Wildcat Welcome and everyone from your mom to your Aunt Susan has been warning you about the Freshman Fifteen: Northwestern’s Premier All Male A Capella Group. Luckily, Sherman Ave is here to help! Stick to our handy guide and you’ll glide through those first few weeks without a hitch . . . almost as smoothly as F15 slides into those structurally-sound, eight-part chord progressions.
1) Go To SPAC Everyday
Attend a free yoga class or hit the pool for some morning laps! Take advantage of the free group exercise classes at SPAC! Most members of F15 live in Willard or other south campus residences, so this North Campus gym is the perfect place to avoid those pesky bedroom eyes, um, I mean––those dumb, choir guys.
2) Pay Attention To Alcohol Intake
To the sober-minded individual, spending two hours of your Saturday night in a crowded auditorium listening to poorly-arranged covers of Selena Gomez’s latest bop might seem like a waste of time, but one Nalgene of Franzia later and you’ll be calling yourself a Bad Liar! While underage drinking is common on many college campuses, make sure you know your limit or you might find yourself venmoing your way into the next fundie! Seven Minutes In Heaven? More like, Seven Minutes In . . . Lame-Men!
3) Snack Attack!
Contrary to popular belief, smart snacking around the clock can actually help you avoid temptations (I mean, have you heard F15’s Temptations-style rendition of “My Girl”??). Snacking on nuts, fruit, and yogurt can curb cravings for artfully-constructed pop hits and devilishly handsome post-pubescent crooners. Why shell out five bucks for sweet nothings when you can splurge for a sweet something like peanut butter and banana toast or a cacao-covered strawberry? Why reach for that clump of knotted hair you salvaged from the Jones Men’s Shower when you can reach for a fat-free cottage cheese crudité?
4) Get A Full Eight Hours
Sweet dreams are made of these! Sleeping less decreases the strength of your frontal lobe, which is the brain’s main decision-making center. Skimping on Z’s means a reduced capacity for self-control, so snuggle in tight to your cold pillow and call it a night! Without sleep you might do something kooky like finish an entire Halo Top carton by yourself (yikes!) or sneak into the H&D practice room in the middle of the night to lick the hand-sweat off the F15’s music stands.
5) Get Involved!
If you can’t beat ‘em, join them! F15’s brand revolves around the fact that they are an all-male A Capella group, but something tells me that getting on the team won’t be too much of a problem. Who better than YOU to be F15’s Band Manager/Brand Ambassador/Social Media Influencer/Honorary Beatboxer? After all, you did already create that F15 Instagram account and pay for a yearly Squarespace subscription . . . And get that F15 tattoo on your ass.
6) Acceptance
Gaining the Freshman Fifteen (as a group of friends) isn’t the end of the world. Society may try to judge you for your unhealthy obsession with a college A Capella group, but it’s totally a double-standard. I mean, if a dude gained access to the Freshman Fifteen they would be like, really cool right?? So, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if what that eye decides to behold is a hunky group of heartthrob vocalists then you do you. :)
