Freshman Guide: How to Not Gain the Freshman Fifteen (from a Failure)
Dear All Incoming Wildkittens, Now that you’ve successfully navigated to other sites besides “US News & World Reports” rankings, I would like to offer you some advice. I, just like you, thought that I had the mystical powers to overcome the freshman 15 and would return home unscathed. However, now sitting here with the equivalent of my pregnancy jeans on, I can tell you that this is not the case.
Although I can’t provide any tips on healthy eating and good ways to exercise (I stepped inside of SPAC 3 times and am still a bit completely unsure where Blom is), I can tell you unequivocally what not to do.
First, do not ever under any circumstances drink alcohol.* 1 shot of vodka = 100 calories. So sorry to break it to ya six-shot Sally, but eating two slices of your mom’s cheesecake is healthier than getting shwasted on Skol. It might be called Natty Lite, but trust me that foamy goodness packs it on to your thighs faster than you can say AlcoholEdu. Even though you told all your friends you got so drunk (tipsy) on the Cabernet Sauvignon your mom hid beneath her sewing cabinet, I know you burned off those whole 3 sips at lacrosse practice the next day. In college, the best wine you’ll drink will be $4.99 Barefoot and Franzia and the only exercise you’ll get is from slapping the bag.
Socialize with the friendlier workers at Fran’s and Lisa’s. If you never introduce yourself you will undoubtedly be called by your order name. Spending freshman year being referred to as “meatball girl”—I ordered a the meatball parm sub a few times per week—should have given me a hint as to why my waistline was rapidly expanding. You won’t want to have to explain this to your friends, visitors, or potential hookups (that look up at you quizzically when they hear this nickname, and you have to fake laugh and pretend it’s an inside joke between me and Joe, the cashier, because HA HA HA I’m just so congenial and good-natured that duh of course I’m friends with the employees. Doesn’t this just make me so cute and sweet and desirable to you?!!!).
Do not get into the habit of Uberring or Lyfting to class. When you pay $5 for a drive from Tech to University, not only will you get confused, critical looks from your foreign drivers and classmates, but you will also feel a deep sense of shame. Greater shame than that time you will inevitably partake in Welcome Week hallcest and avoid eye contact for 10 months in the dining hall. The walk from Tech to University might seem long to you, but it annoys the shit out of Rashi who decides you’re completely and totally pathetic during this half-mile drive.
So happy first year of college, kiddos! Although you will all inevitably ignore this advice, I know that 365 days and 12 pounds from now you will realize that maybe I was right.
You know you love me.
XOXO Meatball girl.
*ROFL ROFLCOPTER LMFAO LMFAO #northwasted!!!!!!!**
**but also #nohazing
