Freshman Guide: Dropping Wildcat Welcome Friends

Ah, Wildcat Welcome. A tradition as old as time. The goodbye to parents, the March Through the Arch, the whole new group of wonderful, amazing people who you already know will be your best friends throughout these crazy four years. This incredible week then is followed by another long-hallowed Northwestern tradition: Dropping those loser friends like a sack of steaming garbage as soon as you realize they actually fucking suck. So how do you let them down easy now that you’ve already probably told them all your deepest secrets (quite prematurely, we might add)? The writers here at Sherman Ave have got you covered.

1. Ghost Them

You want to get away from your Wildcat Welcome squad, but your GroupMe keeps blowing up. Instead of joining their lunches in Allison, try Ghosting them. Invite them to your dorm room, and tell them you heard Frances Willard died in this very bunk bed. Then, your roommate, wearing your Bed Bath & Beyond bed sheet, will jump out screaming about the dangers of alcohol consumption, which will be more than enough to scare off that pack of personality-less dirt-munchers.

2. Tell Them You’ve Contracted Parvovirus

Sure, those “friends” might be mad at you if you flake out on them, but who could be mad at you if you’ve just contracted the deadly and contagious canine disease known as “Parvo?” You might want to try dropping hints to them by telling them stories about times you’ve played with stray urban dogs, or by shitting bloody diarrhea in the Elder lobby. Either way, once you’ve quarantined yourself in your Sergeant double, you’ll finally be free from that collection of dead-weight social anchors.

3. Travel to an Alternate Dimension Where You’re Not Their Friend

Now that the ecstasy fog of Wildcat Welcome has faded, you wonder how you could have ever have been so blind. Hannah isn’t interesting, she just drinks too much and starts fights with people. Liam isn’t artsy, he’s just a scummy douchebag who watches HBO. Sarah isn’t funny, she just yells a lot and got a callback to Titanic. So how do you avoid even interacting with these turd buckets? Simple! Go to a dimension where you never met them, or better yet, one where they never existed. It might take a few tries, but trust me, it’ll be worth it to never watch Sarah do one of her awful bits about Cheesie’s again.

4. Do PWild

Already done PWild? Say no more. Those Wildcat Welcome friends (along with your PA group friends, dorm friends, and any other friends you may have picked up along the way) will be gone before you know it. Don’t worry though, you already have your base camp! And those are friends who will last a lifetime! (Or at least until that dirty string bracelet falls off)

5. Tag Them

Yeah, you could just stop being friends with this pack of grating mouth-breathers, but you’ll definitely need an excuse to avoid them if you ever run into them on Sheridan. The perfect solution: when you’re all hanging out, tag one of them and yell “Tag, you’re it!”, then sprint in the opposite direction. Now, whenever you see them, you have a stellar reason to completely avoid them. Say goodbye to awkward conversations in Norris, and hello to a great cardio workout!

6. Date, Marry, and Divorce Them (and Make It Messy!)

If you’re really committed to ending your relationship with this swarm of soul-suckers, this is the only way to make sure they’re gone for good. Date a member of the swarm (take your pick) for several years of college, then pop the question once they’ve settled into their life with you. Sure it’s fast, but you’re in love, and if anybody can make it, why not you two? Shortly after, change your entire personality and maybe pick up an addiction or three, until they have no choice but to file for divorce. If you make it messy enough, the swarm will be forced to pick sides, and hopefully, they all go with your ex. Congrats! Now you’re finally free and can start making some new friends. Let's hope these ones don’t suck so hard!