Blaze Pizza Served Meat from Murdered Giordano’s Employees in Opening Day Pizzas

The opening of a new, hot pizza shop coincides perfectly with the closing of an old Evanston standard. Too good to be true? It appears so.

Blaze Pizza’s much-celebrated opening and Giordano’s much-maligned closing happening in the weekend seemed at first to be an unfortunate, doughy coincidence. But, as one anonymous Blaze Pizza employee has revealed, the two decisions were horrifically connected.

“The manager came in and told us we’d be serving a special pizza topping for opening day,” said the employee, who asked to remain anonymous, and we have decided to refer to as “Deep Dish.” “At first, it just looked like normal ground chuck,” said Deep Dish, “but when I found a tiny sliver of a Giordano’s uniform, I realized the terrible truth.”

Blaze Pizza quickly established itself as an aggressive advertiser when they offered free pizzas to anyone who liked their social media accounts, but no one realized just how aggressive they were willing to be. Lines wound around the block all day to get a free custom pie. Little did the customers know, however, that while they were eager to get their hands on some pizza, they were also quite literally getting hands on their pizza.

While preliminary investigations are yet to begin, Blaze continues to do brisk business in its opening days. And, as more and more customers are drawn back to the deliciously dangerous toppings they serve, other businesses are getting antsy. Local pizza staple Lou Malnati’s seems to be next: they’ve reported four employees who haven’t come in to work in recent weeks, and one busboy who went to Blaze on Saturday afternoon said his sausage and mushroom slice tasted “a little like Darren.”

Early on Friday, Blaze Pizza founder Larry Levy was quoted as saying that the opening of the Evanston branch would be “a game changer in town.” It would seem that Blaze is taking no chance that any other result is reached. Not all students are upset, however. “If human meat tastes this good,” said Jeremy Tingle, a SESP junior enjoying a late-afternoon pizza meal, “I’m honestly probably a cannibal now.”

Giordano’s remains closed, until further notice.