Women's Center Discontinuing Counseling a Confident Return to Form for NU Mental Health Services

Northwestern’s Women’s Center announced that they would be absorbing all of their specific counseling services into CAPS today, in what CAPS called a triumphant declaration that despite things seeming like they may be better, mental health services at Northwestern still just completely suck.

“It was a real close call for a while,” said John Dunkle, the executive director of CAPS. “After hiring more staff and eliminating the session limit, people were starting to seriously doubt our ability to disappoint and harm members of the student body. But this Women’s Center announcement puts us right back where we want to be: the bottom.”

Students across campus expressed relief that the status quo had been returned, and that mental health services were once again considered to be a steaming pillar of shit looming tall over the University’s health services. “I was worried that our University was heading towards comprehensive mental health assistance,” said Aaron Alveson, an SOC junior who had received terrible service from CAPS in the past, “but with this announcement, I once again feel comfortable knowing there are few places on campus that I can feel comfortable.”

Even with the promising news, Dunkle still insisted there was much to be done. “Our goal is to make our services so poor, literally no one signs up for them,” he said, “because at that point I can publicly announce that there are no mental health issues at Northwestern.”