Weinberg Student Uses 12th and Final CAPS Visit, Is Suddenly Cured of Crippling Mental Illness

After exactly 12 sessions at Northwestern’s Counseling and Psychological Services, Weinberg junior Peter Lilith emerged from Searle Health center on Tuesday amazed that he was suddenly anxiety and depression-free. “It’s a miracle, really,” stated Lilith, “they told me I only had 12 visits, and now I know why!” Lilith reports that he started going to CAPS for his depression and anxiety, which was aggravated by a heavy course load and brutal winter. He turned to CAPS for help, but was apprehensive about whether the 12 session limit would halt his progress. “I learned in AP Psych that it can take years of weekly counseling sessions to overcome these diseases, but I guess at Northwestern it only takes one quarter!”

CAPS Psychologist Tara Dempsey weighed in, stating “I have worked at 5 top universities, and nowhere else have I seen such a stifling but effective limit.” Northwestern’s 12 session limit has been put in place to optimize efficiency and effectiveness by top finance specialists who minored in psychology.

“We see students like this all the time,” Dempsey explains, “Northwestern is a hotbed for anxiety, considering the fast-paced quarter system, grade deflation, and generally tightly-strung student body. It surprises me that more students don’t use their ration of 12 sessions.”

SoC sophomore Emily Perkins had a similar experience with CAPS while working through a serious bout of depression.  “They told me going in that after 12 sessions I would get the boot and have to start paying for an expensive therapist on my own. I was afraid I would have to start with a new counselor since CAPS counselors aren’t allowed to leave Searle for any reason other than a fire,” she admitted, “but somehow 12 sessions was just enough!”

The directors of CAPS couldn’t be reached for an interview, however Dempsey admitted that she wished Henry Crown had devoted himself to mental health instead of dirty treadmills.