How to break-up with your PA group now that Welcome Week is over

Classes have started. Clubs are recruiting. Welcome Week is finally over. And with the end of Welcome Week comes the end of everyone’s Fall Fling, their PA group.

When you first arrived on campus in early September with your dad on one side and you other dad on your other side, you were afraid. You didn’t know your way around campus, and even worse, you were still a virgin from high-school! But before you could even say, “Take me back home, dads”, you were whisked off your feet by an older student carrying a sign with a number on it. And God damn were they chipper to see you.

                  Their confidence and experience had you in lust at first sight, but soon enough more students started approaching them yelling, “Hey! PA group #34! That’s me!”, and before you could even say, “can you help me and my dads find Norris?” there was now a group of you, all put together by fate, all with working genitalia.

                  It wasn’t what you had expected from your first college hook-up; there were way more people and spirit animals involved than you had imagined. But hey, you weren’t stuck at home with your conservative dads anymore. Polyamory is a thing, and now was one of your few chances to explore it. For one whole week you did everything together. You ate meals together, you danced together, and you even opened up to each other after that one ENU you know the one I’m talking about we all did it. Not to mention, the sex was AMAZING.

                  For a second, you almost even forgot that it was a fling. You found yourself saying things like, “Maybe we’ll end up being roomies next year!” and, “Oh, we are totally doing brunch every Sunday,” and even, “There are almost infinite permutations of sex positions for the twelve of us to try out! Why stop now!”

                  It may have been nice, but now that classes have started, you just don’t have time in your new schedule for all of that group sex. No more late night drunk booty calls to your GroupMe. No more picking up and assortment of twelve male and female condoms from Searle. No more fantasizing about them doing the Dub Dub Dance naked while you masturbate. This is the end now. And here’s how you do it:

When you see them on the street, just look away instead of saying hello.