Easter Who? 5 Underrated Bible Hotties to Pay Homage to

Jesus is the name on everyone’s lips, especially at this time of year—but it’s about time to resurrect these stunners .

1. Nahum. This minor prophet, whose name means “comforter”, is free to join me under the duvet. Don’t let his halo fool you, the direct translation of the papyrus in his hand is “I prefer butt stuff but only if you’re down.”

2. Rahab. A harlot with a heart of gold, this prostitute helped spies take over Jericho. Now that’s an Ocean’s reboot I’d love to see. Did someone someone say money moves?

3. Zebedee. Apostles James and John were his kids. Obviously, total Daddy. As for destroying his marriage, I can read body language almost as well as our lord Karamo from Queer Eye and Zeb has definitely been sleeping on the couch anyway.

4. Shem. This son of Noah has definitely got those James Dean eyes. Although I guess it would be a shame for him to survive the flood only to drown in this pussy.

5. Rehoboam. First of all, look at that creative finger work. So much potential. This actual KING, whose name means “enlarger of the people,” was known for his high taxes. He for sure had them shillings, and I feel something enlarging just looking at him.

Come back next week for “Is This Passage from the Bible or 50 Shades of Grey?”