Cla$$ic Chocolate Chip Cookies and M.I.L.F.

Prep Time: Approximately 8 minutes of not having enough time to masturbate this morning

Cook Time: One millisecond

Total Time: Too long. WAY too long

Yield: An “empowering” music video for breast-feeding mothers everywhere that does not fetishize motherhood for young boys everywhere

Difficulty: Very hard. Very, very, very hard.

Ingredients:

1.       One unfortunately ugly friend

2.     One invitation to family dinner by unfortunately ugly friend

3.     A bit of ass foam (foam is all the rage these days in fine dining)

4.     … Fergie?? Your unfortunately ugly friend’s mom is Fergie?

5.     One Chrissy Teigen

6.     One Kim Kardashian with a definitely not Photoshopped waist

7.     A handful of other “famous” celebrity moms

8.     One tomato

Directions:

1.      Leave your house

2.     Walk to unfortunately ugly friend’s house

3.     Ring the door bell

4.     Let out a lil fart

5.     Try to quickly shoo the lil fart away as you hear the door opening

6.     Say hello to unfortunately ugly friend as he lets you into his humble abode

7.     Begin walking behind unfortunately ugly friend into the kitchen

8.     Take half a step into the kitchen

9.     See unfortunately ugly friend’s mother, FERGIE, bending over to take rib eye steaks out of the oven.

10. Pop a boner

11.    Proceed to become a tomato faced disgrace

12.  Grab a milk jug from the fridge and pour it down your head and body like your taking a milk shower to try and distract from said boner

13.  Fail to distract unfortunately ugly friend’s family from your hard-as-Fergie’s-abs penis.

14.  Swallow shame (and remaining drops of milk running down your face)

15.  Sit down and eat a completely silent dinner with unfortunately ugly friend’s family

Looking to cook up some comedy? Apply to be a Sherman Ave writer!