Dude, There’s Semen on your Face

C’mon,  you can’t tell me this hasn’t happened to you at some point. As you talk to your grandmother or your boss or try to get out the door you realize there is still a little bit of sperm on your cheek, your chin, your forehead, or anywhere on your face. At inconvenient moments like this, you can’t help but wish there was a confidant there to say “Dude, there’s semen on your face” to help prevent the awkwardness of such a situation. Alas, you are often left high and dry without a kind soul to warn you of the unfortunate dregs of penis discharge crusting on your fair skin. The most noteworthy of such instances are as follows:

1. As your bride walks down the aisle, glowing in her natural beauty, you note how impeccably shiny her smile is on this most beloved of days. As she approaches you, you can’t help but notice that it’s not her pearly whites that are reflecting light so deftly, but instead the ­­­­­foamy whiteness of your dick juice. Normally, you would never wish to be your future father-in-law, but at that moment you would absolutely switch places with him. You would have given the world to be at her side as she walked down the aisle, simply so you could lean in and warn her, “Dude, there’s semen on your face."
2. We’ve all had our run-ins with the law. Among the most notable transgressions was that one time you had to go the Ms. Humboldt’s office in 2^nd grade because you were bullying Billy AGAIN. This scenario was unique though in that when you were told to come to her office, you did, but you not only brought your unruly self to her office, you also brought a rebellious bit of cum… right on the tip of your nose (which made lying to her particularly tricky that day).
3. Remember that time you finally worked up the courage to skydive? You were so excited to see the pictures taken during the session because there’s gotta be a profile picture in there somewhere?! Well, there could have been had there not been a globular mass of especially crusty man milk adhered to both your cheekbones.
4. You were in London for the Summer Olympics of 2012 because, obviously, you are an Olympic gymnast. Before your last fault during the finals the camera pans to a very close angle of your wildly concentrated face. Brows furrowed, lips taught, teeth clenched, eyes focused you are the epitome of control. Except, of course, for the stream of jizz creeping out of your ear.

But it’s ok though.

Even the POTUS (that is President of the United States of America) isn’t innocent of this embarrassing SNAFU. You know sour cream on the edge of his lips from the Chipotle burrito Obama ate right before giving his State of the Union Address? Well, let’s just say that dancing dollop of twinkling sour cream at the corner of his compelling lips was of the especially salty variety. Too bad Vice President Biden didn’t have the wherewithal to help Obama out and let him know, “Dude, there’s semen on your face.”