The Top 7 Six Flags Rides to Meet Your First College Lay
It's Welcome Week and you're trying to keep your cool and not cry as you board the buses to Six Flags Great America. The dastardly PAs may have already taken away your water bottle full of grain alcohol but you've still got the energy to make this a night to remember. Ask any upperclassman and they'll tell you about the life-changing post-Six Flags orgies that literally defined their college experience. Here are the top seven rides for you to meet your first true love of the night.
1. American Eagle
It's an extra-long, quarter mile wooden roller coaster that's honestly not all that exciting. Just tell them that your wooden ride lasts half the time and that you'll only cry half as much afterwards.
2. Raging Bull
The only thing more raging than this ride is the suspicion that you should probably call your doctor after an erection lasting this long. #ThanksViagra
3. Giant Drop
Let her know that the real Giant Drop is the drop in self-esteem she'll have when she sends you a Snapchat of her right underboob.
4. SUPERMAN: Ultimate Flight
Will you be my hero baby? Will you kiss away the pain? Will you please take away this irreplaceable feeling that my genitals will leave the park continuing to gather cobwebs?
5. Vertical Velocity
After having an intellectual conversation about the merits of David Foster Wallace's earlier works on the bus ride to the park, this is your chance to show him/her your true talents when you vomit backwards at 84 miles per hour.
6. X Flight
This ride had the standards low enough to accept a sponsorship deal from The X Factor. Let them know that you think his/her standards are too high to go give an OTPHJ on the bus ride home to anyone who doesn't have more than two NU lanyards around their neck already.
7. Viper
Ask her if she is down to charm the one-eyed snake after this ride. And if not ask her to pee on your leg to counteract the dangerous venom. Time is of the essence, now is no time to waste on subtle seductions!
