A Scaredy-'Cat's Guide to Six Flags
The Welcome Week trip to Six Flags Great America! is rapidly approaching. If you’re the kind of person who looks both ways before crossing the driveway, if you got your training wheels off when most kids got their driver’s license, and if you have a fear of rides but an even greater fear of missing out, this guide will help you coast through the night without losing your Lou Malnati’s. Through crash testing, number crunching, and bench-pressing, we have determined the safest place to sit for each ride in the park.
American Eagle
Land here. Then, like a true American, sit on your ass, eat a funnel cake, and eat a funnel cake.
Batman
In the dark night, this ride can be pretty scary. Fortunately for you, there’s a bench located directly under a street lamp. There’s even room for Robin, no joker.
Vertical Velocity
Why get vertical when you can get horizontal?
Goliath
You think you’re unstable? Wait until you see this rickety wooden coaster. So, pop a squat, pop your pills, and enjoy the ride
Apocalypse
Don’t be afraid to sit this one out. It’s not the end of the world.
Raging Bull
If bull riding isn’t your thing, try holding on here for three minutes.
X-Flight
Not up for getting high? Sit down and get high.
Little Dipper
If you can’t go on this ride, you should not be able to live on your own. The maximum speed is the speed limit of a school zone. Your father breaks more wind. Grow a pair, you Little Dipper.
Welcome to the Roller-Coaster that is Northwestern. Soon you’ll get used to the curves.
There's nothing to be afraid of - apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!
