Freshman Says He Can "Really Taste the Hops" of Keystone Light

EVANSTON, Il. – While at the off-campus house of [redacted] fraternity last evening, freshman Michael Whitlock (Weinberg, ’18) swore to a member of his PA group that he could “really taste the hops” of his warm, keg-siphoned Keystone Light beer.

“Yeah man, there’s a whole lot of hoppiness in this beer,” Whitlock remarked to his friend about the beer, after taking a sip and noticeably wincing. “Not as much as Miller, granted, but I almost prefer this. I like a smoother, earthier beer.”

Reports also indicated that, later that evening, Whitlock shared a poorly-rolled, placebo marijuana cigarette with a fellow freshman he had met in his dorm only hours earlier, which he claimed made him “high as balls.”

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