Police Uncover Pumpkin Spice Latte Den near Northwestern Campus
EVANSTON, Il. – Evanston police forces found and seized a multi-room, two-story Pumpkin Spice Latte den on the corner of Sheridan and Simpson early Thursday morning, in which over eleven young women were living in sub-human conditions. Police were given an anonymous tip that Pumpkin Spice Latte activity, long believed to be confined to Naperville and Lake Forest, was beginning to spread to Evanston, yet were still shocked to find such an elaborate and extensive autumnal hideaway.
“I’ve been on the force for over fifteen years,” said Evanston Police Lieutenant Roderick Madison. “I’ve seen some pretty horrifying scenes. But I can say with absolute certainty that what our officers found this morning was by far the worst scene I have ever encountered.”
While police have not yet released details of the house to the public, sources overheard officers describing the den as “overbearingly fall-flavored,” with the smell of seasonal spices, grandmotherly cooking, and freshly fallen leaves so strong that officers were afraid of being asphyxiated from over-exposure. The young women inside, some as young as 15-years-old, were reported as being incredibly malnourished, sickly, and mentally invigorated to euphoric levels.
Reports also indicated that many could not even.
“You have to understand that these women were consuming up to eight, nine pumpkin spice lattes a day, every day, and pretty much nothing else,” Lieutenant Madison continued. “An average human being could die from consuming only two in a twenty-four hour period. But these young women had built up an almost superhuman tolerance. It’s a wonder that they’re even alive. They’re certainly going to have a long road of detox and recovery ahead of them.”
The Pumpkin Spice Latte – often referred to by users as a “PSL” or an “oh my god YESSSS,” is a coffee drink whose ingredients can vary by manufacturer, but is generally comprised of espresso, steamed milk, various fall-related spices (cinnamon, etc.) as well as a pumpkin flavoring. While initially considered an epidemic strictly amongst mid- to late-30-year-old mothers, the product has spread to college-aged (or “millennial”) consumers, as it is a cheaper but equally-potent alternative to other fall-centric products such as apple cider and cinnamon sugar donuts.
Experts have also warned that Pumpkin Spice Lattes can act as a “Gateway Drink” to other more-dangerous drinks, such as the Caramel Brulée Latte and the Java Chip Frappuccino.
“I would just caution parents out there to watch over your children,” Lieutenant Madison said, his voice audibly cracking. “Never assume that they’re too young to by pumpkining. If it could happen to those poor girls, it could happen to you.”
Madison added that young women are better off pursuing a safer and less addictive means of fall enjoyment, such as jumping into a pile of leaves, carving pumpkins, or going into a corn maze to inject heroin.
