EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.
Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed. They expect a reward for every little thing they do. They can never get off their phones. And they’re not helping the economy at all. Yes, these are the characteristics of Millennials – and they’re not good ones.” However, DeVaine’s penis, still firmly snug in his pants at this point, really started to gain some length as he typed “Generation Y is certainly strong in numbers, but, as older generations are quick to point out, they are not strong in applicable, collaborative skills.”
Furthermore, sources related that as DeVaine typed words faster and faster, words such as “but do these arguments hold any water? They seem to at first – until one realizes that these ‘Baby Boomers’ are criticizing Millennials – criticizing us – over habits they themselves originated,” his penis reached full erection. DeVaine, most likely realizing that it is not comfortable to be at full mast while wearing pants, proceed to type with his left hand while unzipping his pants with his right, quickly dropping them to the floor of his bedroom, which he had not cleaned in weeks.
It was at this point that DeVaine, who turned himself on even more by drafting the sentence “if Baby Boomers stopped to look around for one second in order to realize that they themselves caused the economic downturn that we as a nation are now in, then maybe they would realize that Millennials ‘laziness’ is not because we don’t want to work – it’s because we can’t” – put his hand on his stiffened penis, not even bothering to lather it with some sort of lotion beforehand, and just went to town. Sources also mentioned that, while writing “listen up, Baby Boomers – Millennials are becoming entrepreneurial at amazingly early ages – even as early as high school,” DeVaine emitted soft musings to himself such as “yeah we are. We’re so awesome, oh yeah, oh yeah.”
As DeVaine’s argument in the article drew to a close, his final paragraph beginning with “Are we lazy? Are we too attached to our phones? Do we just ‘not get it?’ My answer to those questions – absolutely not,” DeVaine, sources stated, reached the cusp or orgasm, accenting the occurrence by shouting “we’re the best, we’re the best, we’re perfect, we’re going to save the world, oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah I’m the best I’m the fucking best.”
While it has not been confirmed, sources close to the situation have speculated that DeVaine, seconds away from climax, and immediately after writing “because twenty years from now, we’re going to be the ones changing the world – and I can guarantee you they’re going to be changes for the better. And yeah, we’re gonna Instagram it,” closed his eyes and saw in his mind the visions of Mark Zuckerberg and Lorde, who lauded him with praise such as “you’re the voice of our generation, Tim” and “no one captures the spirit of our time like you and your impeccable, hard-hitting journalism;” and as they showered him with well-deserved compliments that only someone of his caliber could merit, he let out a resounding scream in celebration of his Millennial cohorts, of the realization that his generation is truly a generation of doers – a force to be reckoned with, a force of believers, and a unified voice of millions who will bring America to new heights and prospects.
DeVaine then came and got a little bit of spunk on his iPhone, which he had picked up with his free hand in order to send an impromptu snapchat of his room to his friend Kale.
It was confirmed that DeVaine had not been this sexually excited since he wrote an opinion piece following Barack Obama’s re-election in 2012, or since that girl Jennifer from the building next door hooked up with him that one night last year.
