Journalism Student Unable to Find Racist Party to Report On

EVANSTON, Il. – Local sources report that yesterday evening Northwestern student Prescott Kinnison (Medill ’15) traveled around both Northwestern’s campus and its periphery in search of racially offensive Cinco de Mayo parties for the purposes of writing a highly detailed investigative report. However, reports indicate that he was unable to discover any such parties.

“It’s fucking bullshit,” Kinnison stated early this morning, visibly exhausted. “I was literally up until four in the morning walking to the northernmost point of the frat quad and back. I investigated into windows of houses around Simpson, Sherman, Noyes, Pratt; you name it. I even was able to gain access to some sorority houses’ basements and do some undercover work there. I didn’t find one ignorantly racist party, or even a disgustingly marginalizing and privileged get-together.

“It’s a huge bump in the road for me as a journalist, and, quite frankly, it’s incredibly frustrating.”

Kinnison further stated that he planned to detail the results of his investigation as the first part of a four- or five-part series; but now he will most likely have to scrap such plans.

“Girls in sombreros, ponchos, and glued-on mustaches? Nope. Party titles dismissing Mexican culture in an offensive and flippant way? Nuh-uh. Brownface? Absolutely not. For fuck’s sake, I deserve better than this. I did my JR at HuffPo. I’m gonna be a fully staffed writer at Mashable in two years. How am I supposed to be the voice of my generation if this goddamn campus won’t get its act together and turn its microaggressions into macro ones?”

Kinnison then looked at the ground and shook his head solemnly, quietly stating that “[he] knew [he] should’ve gone to UC-Davis instead.”