Every Like on Facebook Shall Be Mine!
On December 20, 2008, I posted my first status on Facebook. "Out of town for 2 weeks see you later haha"
It was the artistic expression of a generation, I naively thought. I was the king of likes; the master of Facebook.
Two minutes in, nobody had liked it. Two hours later, nothing. My friend James posted a status about fantasy football; three people liked it within four minutes. My heart started pounding. What if nobody liked my post? Would James still say hi to me in hallway? Should I delete my profile?
On February 7th, 2009, disaster struck. Somebody liked it. The oaf on Outlook email, dreaming of phone booths and dial-up: Deborah G, my mom. A second notification rolled in. She commented, "this was a great memory sweetie pie you were such a good boy :-0"
Oh, what shame! I was a blip among a trillion Facebook users, a fly on the wall and court jester to my 761 "friends, hung out to dry for the wolves all while under the overprotective reach of a mommy who couldn't stand to see her son go likeless.
Shudders. More than six years later, I consider this to be the worst moment of my life.
But now, I rule the virtual empire which scorned me, son of a technological immigrant. I am the social media connoisseur which 14 year-old Donny G could not imagine. My posts are subtle and direct, engrossing yet inoffensive. My friend base includes 12,984 peers and continues to grow exponentially. With a whip of the wrist, I lure the likes of an indefinite number of followers.
It is therefore my destiny to reap all the likes on God's green earth, risking the equilibrium of the universe by hoarding all of Facebook's 1.19 billion possible likes into one colossal post on my timeline.
Will it be a photo montage, or a birthday status? Will it be a pun wrapped into intricately cryptic political humor, biting yet neutral so as not to alienate anyone in my audience? Dare I dabble in the world of selfies with celebrities? Does a picture of a touristic landmark appear on my horizon? Is it the 2016 Olympics yet? Will I post at sunrise or sunset, or maybe 3:30 AM in Shanghai? Does it matter?
Your profile picture is worthless. Your study abroad post means nothing to me. Nobody cares that you're starting college this week, or that you're moving cities, or that you're getting married. Your post is the molecule of sand to my Great Pyramid, the Cuyahoga River to my Atlantic Ocean.
The Facebook realm is my chess board. You, dear reader, are a pawn. My post will radiate a tu ne sais pas which will turn you into naught but a unicellular organism, mindlessly loving to like in the hopes that someone, someday might reciprocate and give you a sweet, sweet notification.
By the end of this, you may hate me, the monster of social media. But you'll have no choice, dear friend. You will like my post.
Donny G. Major in Econ, undeclared minor in Taylor Swift. Coffee fiend.
