Finals are communist. Let me say that again. Communist. If there were any justice in this world, finals would be relegated to a life of shame and degradation in a cross between Guantanamo and that one nightmare I had where beetles developed opposable thumbs and managed to invent garbage-based weaponry. Also, I think Ron Paul was there for some reason.
But I digress. Why are finals communist you ask, ignorant bourgeois fool that you are? Let’s break it down.
Finals force sharing of resources, study guides and notes in particular. Because of their pervasive influence, we individuals are forced to band together to mass our knowledge in the hopes that our futures aren’t destroyed by a 10-page, poorly-spaced book with a blue cover that looks like it was stapled by a blind five-year-old. If finals didn’t exist, we could continue our individualism and horde our knowledge, then only band together when drinking, sexual intercourse, and LotR marathons were involved.[1] Also, we could just get A’s by working during the course and/or paying/sleeping with/blackmailing/bribing the professors…like capitalism intended.
Curved grading punishes outliers by making them social pariahs, aka “That Fuck Who Broke the Curve, hey-there-he-is-let’s-ice-his-ass.”[2] By punishing achievement, finals undermine everything America was built on[3] and instead promote mediocrity; communism, pure and simple. So every time you take a curved final, you’re a communist. And you better believe that’s a paddlin’.
Finals are an oppressive tool of the bourgeois to suppress you, the proletariat slave force workers, by destroying your self-esteem, crippling your future job prospects, and in general making your life a living hell. Broken dreams, crushed relationships, and emotional damage are all a common sight during the time leading up to finals. If educators really cared about us, we would have Puppies, Candy, and Fireworks Week. But noooooooooo, we have class conflict and seriously if I fill out one more bluebook my hand will fall off and WHY IS THE CLOCK MOVING SO FAST I’M NOT FINISHED YET.
Hi, this is Dr. Sykes. I’m afraid your authorial friend was recently forced to check into my mental health establishment as a result of intense post-traumatic stress because of his flashbacks to previous finals. If you’d like to speak with him, I highly advise you not wear blue or yellow, as the former causes him to hallucinate he is a an angry pencil, and the latter leaves him terrified he is going to erased.
Happy holidays!
