Frat Bro Discovers the Real Clitoris Was Inside of Him All Along

Cheers and whoops were heard from the Tau Beta Phi Fraternity house last week after frat brother and campus male, Blake Rothstein, announced he had finally found the long-searched for clitoris.

Sources say Rothstein burst out of his room screaming “Finally the old wise man’s words make sense,” before running around chanting “I found it, I found it.”

“It’s tough, man. I just wasted so much time looking for the clitoris externally,” Rothstein remarked, when asked to comment on the discovery. “I looked, like, around her thighs, and in the vagina, and that bit between the vagina and the butt. And all that time I just had to learn to look inside myself. Now I’ve finally seen that the real clitoris, is in here,” he said, pointing at his own heart.

Many younger Tau Beta Phis have started following Rothstein’s example, saying they’ve learned, through “self-love,” to also find the clitoris within them. “It’s almost like the real clitoris was friendship, and we’ve just been too blind to see that,” said a new pledge with visible paddle marks on his thighs and back.

However, there has been pushback from the medical community. “This is simply physiologically incorrect” said one female receptionist at Searle. And Claire Johnston, the Medill sophomore with Rothstein on the night of the discovery, remarked feeling “deeply disappointed in both Blake and myself.”

All the excitement has re-ignited this long-existing debate: Is the clitoris a biological female organ? Or is it “more of a feeling,” as Rothstein describes it? At Sherman Ave, we’re not so sure.

But we are sure of one thing: whether the clitoris exists or not, this week there are some very happy and very relieved fraternity men on our campus. And in the end, happiness is the only thing that really matters.