Heroic Student Successfully Gives Roommate the Impression That She Was Not Masturbating
EVANSTON, IL--In a move that has many hailing her as an international hero, Stephanie Johnson (Medill, ‘18) successfully averted an awkward encounter with her roommate yesterday by pretending that she was waking up from a nap when, in fact, she had just been about to reach sexual climax. Johnson, who lives with Melissa Sing (SoC, ‘18) on the second floor of Allison, had nearly finished rubbing one out following her viewing of Spectre when she made the daring maneuver. “Yeah, it wasn’t easy to disguise all that heavy breathing as a yawn, but I just couldn’t let her know I was jacking off to the memory of Daniel Craig’s middle-aged abs,” she said after the incident. “So when I heard her key in the lock I threw my vibrator under my bed, turned away from the door, and pulled the covers up so it would look like I’d just been napping.
“It wasn’t a big deal, really,” insisted Johnson, after her last statement elicited a round of applause from the gathered reporters. “I did what anyone would have done in those circumstances.”
In a stunning display of selflessness and self-control, Johnson appears to have completely fought off the urge to finish, even though she was only about fifteen seconds away from orgasm. “I’m still really horny, but that isn’t as important as Melissa not finding out that I’ve masturbated literally every time she’s gone to class since the quarter started,” she elaborated, yelling to be heard above the chants of “JOHN-SON! JOHN-SON!” coming from the throngs of adoring fans who have gathered around her since the event.
Since that awe-inspiring afternoon, Johnson has received several nominations for awards commemorating her historic achievement. But, in another inspirationally selfless act, she has refused to accept any recognition.
“It would just make things really weird between us if any of this got back to Melissa,” she insisted, her brown eyes glinting with the sadness and loneliness of someone who has sacrificed everything for the good of another. “I really value our friendship, you know? And I don’t want her to be wondering whether I’m getting off while she’s in class, because the answer is absolutely yes.”
Despite this, and at the behest of a petition which gathered 12,000 signatures within twelve hours, University President Morty Schapiro has announced that Deering Library will be renamed “Diddling Library” to commemorate this brave soul.
When asked what her plans are for the immediate future, Johnson replied, “Probably jill off again. I mean, Melissa just left to visit her boyfriend at UChicago, so, like, it’s the logical thing to do, right? Wow, I’m really lucky she didn’t notice earlier. I would have felt really guilty.”
Meanwhile, according to an inside source at the Vatican, Pope Francis is currently moving to canonize Johnson as a saint on the grounds that her wondrous feat is an “undeniable miracle of God.”
