NOTE: Sherman Ave sent out requests for interviews to each Homecoming King and Queen nominee. Those who were heinous enough to accept were interviewed by Ross Packingham and/or Evander Jones. Seriously, this is real.
Below are some excerpts from our interview with Andrew Brugman, one of six seniors nominated for Homecoming Court.
Ave: So what are you studying?
Andrew: Political Science and International Studies.
Ave: And when did you discover your passion for International Studies?
Andrew: I think as a freshman. I started really liking the Middle East and got really into it, then realized IS is a really good program.
Ave: Okay, and why did you choose to come to Northwestern?
Andrew: I think the people. I had a really awesome tour guide who was really involved academically but also outside the classroom, and I'm definitely not the most academic person. To be involved in everything on campus and still do well academically is a really big thing for me.
Ave: So where are you from originally?
Andrew: Marquette, Michigan. On the upper peninsula.
Ave: So what's your favorite and least favorite thing about Marquette, Michigan?
Andrew: Favorite thing is the area itself; it's really beautiful and there are lots of cool places to go hiking. Least favorite is the weather - we have the 3rd worst weather in the country, so we grew up having 8-12 feet of snow in the middle of February.
Ave: Who is the most relevant person to come from your hometown?
Andrew: Well...Steve Mariucci, who coached the 49ers, is from a town away.
Ave: That's pretty cool. So, if you had to marry, screw, and kill someone on the Homecoming Court, who would it be?
Andrew: Well, I'd kill off all the other male competition.
Ave: Fair enough. Could you describe your ideal date?
Andrew: Well, April 25th - not too hot, not too cold. But I will not go with Miss Congeniality. So...chill. Just chill.
Ave: So if each member of the Homecoming Court was one of the Pac-12 teams, who would Kameron Dodge be?
Andrew: My knowledge of the Pac-12 isn't great, but I'm going to give him Oregon. I feel like he'd look good in green.
Ave: Okay. So Karl Marx once said that "Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included." Discuss.
Andrew: [laughing] I mean, I think that everybody has their place in society, and everyone has the ability to move from that place.
Ave: What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you that included both sexual tension and rodents?
Andrew: All of Disneyworld is a sexually tense place. There are a lot of mice running around and a lot of princesses running around.
Ave: So how would you use your position as Homecoming King to further a two-state solution in Israel?
Andrew: First, I would have them send me over there. That would be ideal. I'd organize a debate between the Holocaust-denying professor and Peter Hayes, just to see what would happen.
Ave: Could you describe your favorite childhood pet?
Andrew: I had a dog--
Ave: Dogs and cats don't count. Like, a pet.
Andrew: I did have a frog once, that my brother stepped on. So it was nice for two days, but then it was dead.
Ave: Of all the presidents, which do you think had the largest circumference of the nipple?
Andrew: Taft.
Ave: Okay. So I'm going to give you a scenario. You've decided to start a company that sells tampons. What do you do to make your product stand out from just any typical tampon?
Andrew: Well, you don't do the advertisement where they're just spinning around in circles, because apparently that's not how that works. I'd change the liquid color in the commercial to something that's not blue.
Ave: Another hypothetical: You're getting married, and your spouse wants to spend a week-long honeymoon in a place with no electricity. Very remote. You've already set the date, and it's during Shark Week. How do you weave around that?
Andrew: You re-enact Shark Week. You have a Shark Week party and have blue drinks with Swedish Fish floating in them.
Ave: Speaking of sharks, if given the choice, would you prefer to be eaten by a shark in the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean?
Andrew: I've never swam in the Pacific, so I guess Pacific.
Ave: Okay. So I'm going to give you the set-up to a joke, and I'm going to give you 30 seconds to come up with a punchline. So...two Quakers are walking through the woods...
Andrew: And that's how I lost my virginity.
Ave: So, are we humans or are we dancers?
Andrew: I like to think we're dancing humans.