How to Deal with the Stress of Finals

There are very few things worse than finals, including (but not limited to) Northwestern’s sports record and Casey Anthony. But don’t be sad! Here are nine annoyingly cheerful reminders coming from your favorite (occasionally) optimistic fuckhead.1. Realize you will never be Morton Shapiro. You will never even come close enough to sniff his level of achievement. Accept it. Now the pressure is off. You’re welcome. 2. Remember that you could be this guy.

3. Or this guy.

4. Have sexy time with Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf. Not because it’ll make your day any better, but because it’ll brighten his. His favorite pickup line (“I’ve got a diverse background…in bed”) isn’t working like it used to.

5. Learn Kasey Huizinga’s Treatise On How To Head Bang: “You just have to feel it with your heart.” Let the rockout begin. 6. Stand on furniture or appliances and sing ridiculous music. You didn’t have any pride to begin with, right? 7. Appreciate the wonders of the world. 8. YOLO. So don’t worry, be happy. 9. Be thankful that you’re not Chet Haze. Unless you are, in which case, I’m so sorry.

Now get off Sherman Ave and go finish that paper.