How to Get Blackout With Your Parents on New Year’s Eve
Everybody knows that ringing in the new year is overrated. Everywhere is crowded, it’s impossible to get a cab, and nobody looks good in metallics. Face it, there’s enough pressure to have fun on New Year’s to turn the lump of coal you got from Santa into a diamond. The answer to all of these downers is another downer: Alcohol. “But I’m not going to be at a frat!” you say, “I’m going to a party with my parents!” Have no fear. Here are Sherman Ave’s tips for getting blackout drunk with your parents on New Year’s Eve.
- Don’t sit at the kid’s table
You may find yourself at an age where you’re not a kid, but not quite a grown adult. Use this to your advantage by weaseling your way into the adult table. Wow your parents’ friends with your encyclopedic knowledge of the GOP and NFL, and you just might score the coveted seat. Why is it so important? The adult table is always stacked with wine, and not the kind you chug from a bag. Keep your glass ⅔ full the whole meal, and your parents won’t notice that you’ve actually had two bottles to yourself.
- Be dumb with your mixed drinks
A lot of alcohol and minimal mixers is the number one stupid decision you’ll need to make to get dangerously drunk. Dark soda is unsuspicious and masks the taste of alcohol so the people who genuinely care about your well-being can’t intervene. Keep it to Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, or RC Cola (God forbid). Parents won’t realize that you put a horribly reckless amount of booze into that Jack and Coke, and the annoying loser kids won’t rat you out, because for all they know it’s just smelly Coke. Also, remember this important tip: wine and vodka mixed together will taste mostly like wine but will send you to the hospital like vodka.
- Don’t eat
The less you eat, the faster you’ll blackout. However, adults get suspicious of not eating, and can even be offended. The solution to this is inventing one or more intolerances that leave you with little to no dinner options. You’re vegan and gluten free? You’re allergic to milk, nuts, bread, and fruit? You’re morally opposed to chewing things? Stick to this story and you’re gonna be wasted in no time.
- Get your 7-year-old cousin trashed as a decoy
Oh my god! Did little cousin Peter just projectile vomit into the dog’s face?! That sounds like a situation that requires the attention of every adult, leaving the brandy bottle up for grabs.
- Kidnap Ryan Seacrest and hold him hostage
Everyone knows that when the ball drops, the party is over. If you’re going to get truly blackout, you’re going to need to keep the night going. How can the ball drop and the new year begin without little Ryan counting it down on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve? For a formerly very famous person, Ryan Seacrest is almost comically easy to kidnap. If you have a few free hours today, fly to New York to kidnap Mr. Seacrest and hold him hostage at the party you’re at. Let him go free when you can no longer remember why you even kidnapped him in the first place.
