Friendly Reminders for Thanksgiving Break
Ah, Thanksgiving Break is upon us. Thanks to the quarter system, it is most of our first times home since moving in in September, and sometimes it’s hard to keep it cool. Here are some tips for having the best break you can before questioning the purpose of life during finals week.
- Your parents still exist
It may seem obvious, but you will be harshly snapped to reality when you go home for break and your parents expect you to be in bed by 10. You may be tempted to fight, shouting things like “but this is when I start pre-gaming!”, “My a capella group rehearses at 1 am!” or “The deuce doesn’t even get good till, like, at least 11:45!”. This means nothing to your parents, and may lead you to explaining what the deuce is, which leads to my next reminder…
- Don’t talk about drinking all the time
I know. All your friends go to state schools, and you feel the need to prove yourself to them. But nothing says “I am still a nerd and I still deserve a swirlie” like bragging about going out 3 nights a week, or showing people your shitty fake ID. Three nights a week is standard if not minimal for normal schools, and everyone in this country between the ages of 18 and 21 has a fake. And if you even think about bringing up tailgating, you might as well give yourself a wedgie. I literally saw a Michigan fan leave a tailgate last week to call their grandma because it seemed like more fun.
- When all your semester friends are fat, be calm and don’t say anything
They have had five more weeks of drinking and late-night food than you, and you have to remember that in five weeks you will be pudging out like that too. Be cool. Maybe invite them to a yoga class instead of ice cream, or play a pickup game of basketball. Don’t mention that they got fat. Don’t make eye contact with their double chin. This will literally be you at spring break do not worry.
- If you don’t go home, remember to masturbate as much as possible
Your roommate is probably gone and this might be your best chance at a weekend of ecstasy. Also your meal plan doesn’t work. Ha.
- Thanksgiving is a racist holiday that whitewashes the relationship between white settlers and Native Americans
It glosses over the thick history of white supremacy and racism in this country, and celebrates a genocide committed against innocent people. Spit in the mashed potatoes. Burn the turkey. Kick your little cousin’s ass for wearing a Native American feather headdress made out of construction paper. Trust me. It’s the only way.
So give thanks, have fun, and take quiet pleasure in the fact that the hot girl you hated in high school has already gained the freshman fifteen.
