I AM BETTER THAN YOU (by Anderson Shelley, Associate, McKinsey & Company)

What’s up, Northwestern. My name’s Anderson Shelley, and I work as a consultant for McKinsey & Company, which absolutely and irrefutably means that I am better than every single one of you cocksucking lowlifes.

Technically, I’m supposed to be here to talk to you flock of pussies about McKinsey, and maybe find the smart ones amongst you and blah blah blah. Honestly all you fuckers want to do is come on up here and “network.” Well guess what? I’m the boss here. Me. So you flaccid dicks-on-a-string can just sit your shit-stained asses in those fucking cheap chairs and listen. And no, you can’t ask questions so don’t even try to raise your hands, you loud-mouthed idiots.

McKinsey & Company is a global management consulting firm often regarded as the greatest in the world. We impact our clients’ businesses on levels that your shrimp-sized brains couldn’t even comprehend. We are a network of leaders, of changers, and of fucking geniuses. Because I’m not gonna lie, Northwestern, I am undoubtedly the smartest person in this room, by twenty giants’ dicks’ length. I got my MBA from Wharton. Yeah, The Wharton. I didn’t fucking stutter.

You want an example of some client work we do? You better fucking tuck your dicks into your boxer-briefs because you will quite literally cream your goddamn jeans.

I just got done working on an engagement with a pharmaceuticals manufacturing firm. They were merging with a smaller competitor, and they needed a team of people whose problem-solving capabilities were so swol that they could find a way to fucking move Mt. Kilimanjaro if they wanted to. You know who they called? Us. And we crushed that shit. From strategy to execution, our associates were there every step of the way. Jesus Christ, it gets me rock hard just thinking about it. Hey, you. In the front. Don’t lean forward, my hard-on will actually poke you in the eye if you do.

People ask me what the culture of McKinsey is like all the fucking time. It’s the question I get the most from all the snot-nosed pricks like you trying to get my business card. “Oh, Anderson, is McKinsey fun?” Fun? Fun?! You fucking kidding me?! I make more money in a year than you could fit into an F-150, and I’m travelling Monday to Thursday. I’m out at bars fucking a different fake-tittied skank every night. You see my shoes? These cost $3,000, and that’s chump change. My Cadillac? I walked into a dealership and bought that motherfucker. Just cut the salesman and his tacky cheap grey suit a $45,000 check and it was mine. Just like that. You want to know about company culture? Fuck you, that’s the company culture. You slay complex business problems using data-driven analytics and comprehensive primary and secondary research tactics by day, and you drink Blue Label and snort molly and fuck the nightclub waitress in the employees-only bathroom by night.

So which one of you fish-flavored vulvas is gonna get this job? I don’t fucking know. Maybe none of you. If you do want it, you better be eating, drinking, and fucking case interviews on a daily basis; and you better be schmoozing the pants off every single person at this goddamn firm. We’re McKinsey, not a fucking Enterprise Rent-a-Car. We are an impenetrable fortress of careers.

If this doesn’t sound like it’s up your alley, you should just leave this fucking room, stick your soft limp dick in between your pasty-ass thighs, and go ahead and maybe try to get a job with those Goldman Sachs homos, because it’s not gonna happen here.

Alright, that’s all I have for a presentation. A few of our associates are going to stick around for networking.

- The Infinite Guest