Letter From Your Roommate: ”I Develop Superhuman Hearing When I Masturbate”

Hello,

I am your roommate and I have something to tell you. Not everyone knows this about me, but I have superhuman hearing... when I masturbate in our room.

It started last week. I had just finished class around five on Monday. Monday is usually my busiest day and I had about thirty minutes before I had to go to a happiness club meeting. I needed to relieve some stress somehow.

I always try to pay attention to the sounds in the halls, but this time I noticed that, not only could I hear what was going on in the halls, but I could also hear what was going on the lobby, and then outside. I realized I could hear even further. I could hear the people on Sheridan road. The lovely music emanating from Bienen, and I could hear you at your philosophy discussion section describing the Freudian concept of the Oceanic Feeling.

However, once I was done the scope of my hearing diminished. I could no longer hear a mile in each direction. It was then that I discovered that I have superhuman hearing... only when I masturbate in our room.

And so I am writing to you to let you know the truth. I can no longer live my life among you and the other normies of this campus. I have a gift and it must be shared with the world. Therefore I have decided to leave school and work for the Central Intelligence Agency, collecting information with my masturbatory superhuman hearing. I have already found new living arrangements through my employer. I will be sharing a room with someone who has superhuman reflexes while popping pimples in the library bathroom. But I must go. I hope you can understand.

Thank you,
Your Roommate