New student receives cold shoulder in Spanish class

EVANSTON, Illinois – A routine meeting for his first-year language class held this past Friday morning turned sour after a rudimentary conversational practice question left SESP Freshman Kevin Schenkner pondering, “how do you say heartbreak in Spanish?” Schenkner met his paramour at the Deuce early Friday morning. “He was making a total idiot of himself, but I could tell a lot of the girls were totally into it,” said Bethany Wilson, a McCormick junior whose friends are all abroad this quarter. “At one point he started yelling something about the ‘bonita sobrina.’ I think that means cousin, but I’m not sure; I didn't take Latin in high school.”

The ‘beautiful cousin’ in question was indeed Emma Banks, a Weinberg freshman in Schenkner’s Spanish lecture. According to witnesses, the two consensually hooked-up in the bathroom before sharing an Uber back to Elder Residential Community.

While the night ended on a high note for the two lovebirds, by the time Schenkner’s 9 a.m. Spanish class began Friday morning the magic spell had worn off. As a review and icebreaker, Spanish Professor Lydia Valdez-Anderson prompted her students to introduce themselves to everyone they did not know in the class. When she pointed to Schenkner and asked Banks, “y él, lo conoces?” Schenkner could not have anticipated the response, “no, no le conozco.”

For Schenkner, the affront was completely out of the blue. “I really thought we had something special. She should have at least known that profesora calls me Paco because we have two Kevins in the class,” he railed. Banks exonerated herself and claimed that she remembered the hook-up as decent, but couldn’t remember which Kevin was Paco.

The unfriendly treatment has caused Kevin to rethink his academic trajectory. “I mean I knew the freshman freeze was real, but this cold shoulder is a new bajo,” he said. “I think I’m switching to Czech so I can study abroad in Prague. I’ve heard the girls there are really into socializing, or something like that.”