Northwestern announces “Netflix Prevention Program”

Northwestern’s Office of Health Promotion and Wellness announced today that in addition to their alcohol and other drug prevention program, the office will be offering a Netflix and other online streaming sites prevention program to students. “We feel that this spring is the most ideal time to start this program even though it’s been in the works for a few months now,” said Allison Stoop, the director of the Office of Health Promotion and Wellness. “We also just had no time this past winter, there were may too many shows to catch up on.”

Alex Meetly, a senior Economics major, will be working part-time in the Netflix prevention office as part of his work study. “I’m so honored to have gotten this job. The work I’ll be doing will actually mean something,” Meetly said. He’s been working in Norris for the past three years.

Meetly struggled with a Netflix addiction early in his freshman year at Northwestern. He said that before he was sober, he neglected friendships, failed a few finals, and even frequently stopped bathing, even though he still managed to get an internship at Deloitte.

“Our mental health programs have failed students when it comes to Netflix prevention,” said Joshua McKahey , Head of Wildcat Welcome and Family programs. “So instead of our other three ENUs, we will be having one four night long ENU about Netflix addiction. All of the shows on Netflix seem to perpetuate alcoholism, sexual violence, and issues with mental health so if we cut out the middle man all other problems are essentially solved.”

McKahey’s immediate advice to students is that joining a few clubs and “getting a life” will help kick start the recovery process.

“Once you gain the physical strength to move your mouse and close the tab before the next episode plays, everything starts to get easier,” Meetly said. “Just make sure you watch House of Cards season 4 before you start the recovery process. That shit is like coke.”