12:25 p.m. CST, February 18, 2014
EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University’s Archaeology department began a new excavation today on campus, unearthing a sidewalk that was previously believed to have been long lost.
Rumors of a sidewalk running from Kresge to Norris had been circulating, but until today, it was thought to be only a myth, much like the Frostbite Express. Sources involved in the excavation claimed that the discovery was largely in part due to the extreme weather. With temperatures soaring above 0 degrees Celsius, layers of snow melted away to finally expose the pavement.
The excavation team is reluctant to place an expected completion date on the project, but if the sun stays out and scorching, the team could potentially finish the job without a snowplow. Weinberg junior Isabelle Eldridge, an art theory and practice major, believes this discovery changes everything.
“Now, instead of awkwardly smoking a cigarette and a half on my walk to get my skinny vanilla latte from Norbucks, this new path will shorten my walk to just one cigarette. That saves, like, 12 hours from my life if you believe ‘science.’”
Philosophy, art, classics, and gender studies students alike are elated by the discovery, claiming that this is the best thing to happen to Kresge since that one wasp’s nest was finally removed from the fourth floor.
During a preliminary investigation of the artifacts found along the path, a frisbee and several bottle caps were discovered. This suggests that long ago, well beyond our memories, people engaged in activities outdoors that included sports and the consumption of alcohol. In the age of taking pulls of Skol while wrapped in three down comforters, it is seemingly impossible to imagine a time when students would partake in physical activity outside while casually enjoying a beer.
The project is still ongoing, but even in its early stages, this excavation preserves memories of a distant past—a time called “Spring.”
