Northwestern Relieved to Be Included in the Elite College Admissions Scandal

After days of waiting with bated breath, Northwestern University officials are relieved to hear that they too have been implicated in the elite college admissions scandal. As the story first broke and the only universities named were Ivies, admissions officials from Northwestern began to panic about what this would mean for their US News National Ranking.

“Is there still time to do a scandal? I’ll take literally any bribe, even a free Blaze Pizza,” one Northwestern official screamed at reporters early Thursday morning.

“We just hit spot number 10, we can’t let the privileged elites shoot us back into the teens. Even UCLA was in there for christ’s sake, and they’re a goddamn public school,” another Northwestern official said whilst sliding reporters a crisp twenty-dollar bill.

When it came out that a Northwestern student was indeed implicated in the scandal, administrators were relieved, though not entirely satisfied.

“I just wish someone would’ve gone the extra mile to get into Northwestern and paid a recruitment coach to get in. At first, we thought we might’ve had some corruption on the sailing team - but unluckily for us they’re just douchebags who can only practice 2 weeks out of the year. Really a shame not one of them photoshopped their face onto Moana to “get” onto the team.”

As the story continues to unfold, Northwestern administration rests easy knowing that they’ve been attached to a multi-million dollar fraud scheme including the most elite, prestigious, and highly ranked universities and celebrity faces.

UPDATE: Upon learning that Wake Forest and USC were also some of the universities implicated in the scandal, Northwestern has decided to distance themselves from the alleged corruption.

Reporting from Stone Cold Stephen Aunins, AEPI Cog in the Capitalist Machine Days, Dr. Bowtie Pasta DDS, and Dickleback.