SHERMAN AVE ANSWERS THE QUESTIONS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASKED: Vol. I

Jan 24

Jan 24 SHERMAN AVE ANSWERS THE QUESTIONS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASKED: Vol. I

Beloved Sherman Ave Enthusiasts,

Northwestern can be a difficult place to spend three to six years. But fear not! Sherman Ave is interested in your problems, and we want to help. I, Stingray Tracy, will graciously mull over your submissions, hand-crafting expert solutions to your issues, tackling common Northwestern problems like an Ohio State linebacker.

So, without further introduction, my first advice column!

Dear Stingray,

I really like one of my professors as a person, but he’s a terrible teacher. What should I put for my CTECs?

Signed,
Loyal Lacey

Lacey,

Compromising the integrity of a sacred Northwestern institution to spare someone’s feelings is appalling, and I won’t stand for it.

As a certified Nerd™, I always turn my CTECs in on time, and I’ve actually had this exact problem before! I suggest sending your professor a concise email, firm but kind, that explains the situation.

Let your professor know that while you appreciated the time he let you move a test to properly mourn the death of your beloved chinchilla, you simply can’t let younger students fall prey to his incompetence as a teacher. Inform him that you are planning to destroy him when evaluation time comes and that you will not be accepting bribes of any kind (other than cash).

I was once led astray by CTECs, and now I can’t remember basic addition. I literally do not know what 2+2 is. It is a huge inconvenience.

Anyway, hope that helps!

Stingray

Dear Stingray,

I really want to get a cat, but my roommate is allergic. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Animal-Lover Adam

Adam,

A little-known fact about animal allergies: they’re all in your head. Your roommate only thinks he’s allergic to cats, but he’s really just depriving himself of the world’s second-best pet (following chinchillas).

I suggest you wait until your roommate is gone and adopt a kitten. Rub said kitten all over your unsuspecting roommate’s clothing, pillows, towels, etc. Because he won’t know to fake an allergic reaction, call him out on his BS and introduce him to your new roommate, Cat Stevens (get it? Because it’s a cat?).

Or just get a chinchilla.

All My Love,
Stingray