Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Julia Watson
Last month, Sherman Ave sat down with all twelve members of this year’s Northwestern Homecoming Court, and had conversations about love, life, and bad decisions made at Cheesie’s. All this week, we will be publishing these interviews in anticipation of voting for Homecoming King and Queen opening on the 11th of October.
In this installment, Sherman Ave writers Walter Klondike™, Marietta Von Festering, and Jameson the Manatee sat down with the lovely Julia Watson, and had a lively and at-times awkward conversation about embezzlement, Joe Biden, thumb-wrestling and fucking, marrying and killing.
Marietta Von Festering: If you could just read these sentences while we just test the microphone [hands Julia sheet of paper with sentences on it].
Julia Watson: [Reading] This is a Sherman Ave interview.
Walter Klondike™: Next...
Julia: Unique...you nork? What?
Jameson the Manatee: Go on...
Julia: There is a tree outside the window.
Marietta Von Festering: Perfect, and then that last one…
Julia: Ha, no. [The last sentence reads “I have embezzled money from Associated Student Government."]
Walter Klondike™: Damn it!
Julia: I have… almost. No, I’m kidding. [Laughing] I have contemplated embezzling money from Associated Student Government.
Jameson the Manatee: Looks like we have our headline.
Walter Klondike™: We can do an ellipsis and get rid of the “contemplated."
Marietta Von Festering: Ok, so just introductory questions: what is your major?
Julia: Political science, Middle East and North Africa studies and also conflict studies.
Marietta Von Festering: Where are you from, what are you involved in on campus, and what do you love about NU?
Julia: Oh, these are cute! I’m from Massachusetts, in a town with only one stoplight. There’s only 4000 of us there. On campus I’m involved with ASG--yeah, I do a lot for them. I’m also a tour guide, I help out with athletics, umm...yeah that’s where I’m at right now. What was the third question?
Marietta Von Festering: It was “what do you love about NU?” Is it telling that you forgot what the third question was?
Julia: [Laughs] Yeah, I have to answer that every day for tours. My favorite thing is definitely the people. I talked about this on Monday with the incoming class, but basically the people you meet here are the people you’re gonna remember forever, and Northwestern has so many great opportunities, but I really feel like it’s those people at the end of the day who just like really make the experience great. And professors.
Walter Klondike™: So, being ASG President, should we be worried as a campus that crowning you Homecoming Queen will bring us too close to a dictatorship?
Julia: Yes, you should. [Laughs] Actually we Googled “Is it legal to be president and queen?”, so we’ll see what happens. I think it’d be pretty funny.
Jameson the Manatee: So we found this tweet of yours from September 16, we were hoping you could explain:
Julia: What? Did I actually...no way I tweeted that.
Marietta Von Festering: It says “Julia Watson retweeted.”
Walter Klondike™: We searched “Julia Watson twitter;" that’s what came up.
Julia: Oh really?
Walter Klondike™: Are you saying there’s a bigger Julia Watson?
Julia: There probably is. [Laughs] I’m very low on the totem pole. That’s really funny. We didn’t even have homecoming at my high school. We were too small, and our football team never won.
Marietta Von Festering: I saw on Facebook that you “poked” former ASG President Ani Ajith 300 times in a row. Could you please explain why you did that? It seems a little excessive.
Julia: I totally agree! It started junior year - he tried to bring the “poke” back…
Marietta Von Festering: A Renaissance man.
Julia: That’s where ASG spends its time, trying to bring the “poke” back.
Walter Klondike™: So, as a hypothetical…
Julia: If you embezzled money, what would you do with it? [Laughs, at her own joke. To be fair, so did everyone else.]
Walter Klondike™: Ok, so who would win in a thumb wrestling match, Morty or Kanye? Explain your choice.
Julia: Oh definitely Kanye.
Walter Klondike™: Could you elaborate?
Julia: Kanye’s definitely more aggressive.
Walter Klondike™: I feel like Morty’s the kind of guy who works out his thumbs, though.
Julia: There you go. But no, definitely Kanye. I think his kid should come here.
Marietta Von Festering: What children’s cartoon character do you have the biggest crush on and why?
Julia: [Laughs] Um, can I do like a Disney cartoon?
Jameson the Manatee: If you say Porky Pig, we have a special…
Julia: [Laughs] Can I just see what that response would have been?
Jameson the Manatee: I don’t think you want to.
Walter Klondike™: We’re still trying to get over it.
Marietta Von Festering: Our search histories will never recover.
Walter Klondike™: This might have to be stricken from the record for the sake of protecting our readership. It’s so fucked up.
Julia: That’s like one of my friend’s pranks that he used to do that he found funny is he would open up stuff on my web browser and then minimize it. So then I’d open it up in class and it would be like OBSCENE things. I would be like “oh my god, that is NOT what I was looking at.” So I feel like I’ve seen a lot of weird-ass shit. But yeah, if I had to do a cartoon I’d probably do whoever the prince was in The Little Mermaid…
Walter Klondike™: So we’re gonna do a rapid fire set of fuck, marry, kill...
Julia: Oh god, I’ve been dreading this…
Walter Klondike™: First category, Harry Potter characters.
Julia: YES. I also was hoping you’d say this. Fuck Cedric Diggory…
Walter Klondike™: He’s dead. That’s weird.
Julia: Well when he was ALIVE obviously [laughs]. Um, I’d obviously kill Voldemort, because you’ve gotta do that. And I’d actually probably marry Hermione. She’s great. Mainly because Emma Watson is flawless.
Walter Klondike™: She’s got the brains too...ok, the last one might be predictable too. Fuck, marry, kill: the Homecoming Court.
Julia: Ohhh. I actually haven’t thought of this because I thought that wouldn’t have been PC enough to ask. Um..oh it’s so uncomfortable...ummm...I’d obviously marry Eric because we’re already pretty much engaged at this point. Actually, no. Wait that’s mean. I was gonna change my answer, but no. I should probably marry Eric [laughs]. I don’t know who I would kill. I really don’t know who I would fuck. Um...I’ll say I’ll fuck Eric because that’s funny. I’ll probably marry….um...who’s on the Homecoming Court?
Walter Klondike™: Oh, we don’t know. We were counting on you.
Julia: [Laughs] Like we’ve only done one thing together and there were only four of us there. I would kill whoever the biggest competition is…
Walter Klondike™: Damn.
Jameson the Manatee: That says a lot.
Julia: So probably...I don’t know, who are the women on Homecoming Court? I’m trying to figure out how I can marry Sarah Watson.
Jameson the Manatee: Emily Mannheimer?
Julia: Oh, should I kill her? Maybe I’ll kill Emily...but I like Emily.
Walter Klondike™: Brannon Bowers? He was one of our first interviews.
Julia: He said his was funny. I feel like I’m letting you guys down. Who else is on it?
Jameson the Manatee: Ariel Malloy?
Julia: I don’t know her.
Jameson the Manatee: If you don’t know her, it’s an easy kill. Right?
Walter Klondike™: You can drone strike that shit.
Julia: [Laughs] ASG has drones. That should be the headline.
Walter Klondike™: So, what kind of things are in the ASG Book of Secrets?
Julia: Book of Secrets?
Walter Klondike™: Are you familiar with the Nicolas Cage classic National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets?
Julia: [Laughs] Yes. I wish we had something that was that cool. You could check out the archives though, we’ve got some stuff there. At one point we tried to re-name our mascot, we tried to like officially ban UChicago…
Jameson the Manatee: What was the proposal for the new name?
Walter Klondike™: Is Willie too phallic?
Julia: [Laughs] I think it was like Purple Haze or something like that.
Jameson the Manatee: Oh, that seems much more...
Julia: Boring [Laughs]. Oh well.
Walter Klondike™: Was that when Hendrix was big? Was that why that was?
Julia: Maybe.
Jameson the Manatee: Okay, a couple more FMKs. The last three ASG presidents…
Julia: Oh, you’re the worst...Okay, I don’t know Austin, so I’ll kill Austin. I’ll fuck Victor, and then marry Ani.
Jameson the Manatee: Okay, and then the last three ASB presidents.
Julia: [Laughs] Isn’t [redacted] the current ASB president?
Jameson the Manatee: [Shrugs].
Walter Klondike™: Yeah, everybody knows that. C’mon Jameson. Wait, are we allowed to use people’s names in these interviews? (Editors' Note: No.)
Jameson the Manatee: [Shrugs].
Julia: I like ASB. I don’t think I could name the last three ASB presidents though.
Jameson the Manatee: Do people ever confuse ASG and ASB?
Julia: No.
Jameson the Manatee: Okay.
[Silence]
Walter Klondike™: If you had to guess, what would be Joe Biden’s secret super power?
Julia: Oh man, have you read the Onion stuff on Joe Biden?
Walter Klondike™: Yes. “Diamond Joe."
Julia: Stealing the copper wires from the walls… I guess I’d have to say just general badassery.
Walter Klondike™: Like a “Batman” type?
Julia: Yeah, he’s very funny. Have you seen his twitter? It’s just “VP." Very pretentious.
Walter Klondike™: So, we have another hypothetical. Imagine you’re in a romantic comedy and you have to run through the rain to tell your soulmate that he’s marrying the wrong girl. What song is playing on the movie soundtrack?
Julia: Oh…it’s got to be something a little bit intense…but it’s a rom-com? It’s got to be whatever that Taylor Swift song is.
Marietta Von Festering: “You Belong With Me”?
Julia: No, the one about her crashing weddings.
Marietta Von Festering [absurdly fast]: Oh, “Speak Now”.
Julia: Yeah, if it’s a rom com. I’d prefer for it to be like a little more intense though.
Marietta Von Festering: Or, you know, “Shake It Off."
Julia: Yes! Never mind, I change my answer.
Marietta Von Festering: Do you happen to remember where you were the afternoon of September 5th?
Walter Klondike™: Our sources say you were uploading a profile picture to Facebook.
Julia: Oh, ok.
Walter Klondike™: Your privacy settings were pretty hard to get past. We don’t have much from your Facebook.
Jameson the Manatee: We had our best people working on it.
Julia: I know, I figured. …Oh, I was at the White House.
Jameson the Manatee: Interesting…
Jameson the Manatee: Ok, now we have a quick Rorschach test for you.
Julia: Oh, yeah. What do I see? Is that what I’m doing?
Jameson the Manatee: Yeah. Okay, so this is image one.
Julia: I see a face.
Jameson the Manatee: Okay. [Switches the picture]
Julia: That one kind of looks like Batman.
[Jameson the Manatee switches the picture]
Julia: That one looks like a ballet dancer.
Jameson the Manatee: Okay. And this one?
[Jameson shows a picture of former ASG president Ani Ajith]
Julia [Laughs]: What the fuck? Ani! Hey Ani!
Jameson the Manatee: I don’t see it…It looks like an apple to me…
Walter Klondike™: I saw a cat.
[Pause]
Walter Klondike™: So, I have one last capping-off question. What is left on your Northwestern bucket list?
Julia: I’d have to say actually jump in Lake Michigan at some point. I’ve come close, but I haven’t done it.
Walter Klondike™: It’s a good time.
Julia: I’d also have to say…
Walter Klondike™: Have you met the mole people… in the steam tunnels?
Julia: [Laughs] No, but I’ve been in the steam tunnels. I guess I’d have to say to bike down to Chicago.
Walter Klondike™: Oh, I should put that on my list.
Julia: I heard actually the top of the music building is supposed to be beautiful. They’re doing tours up there now so you don’t have to scale it or anything, you can just go up.
