Taco Bell to Offer Customizable Diarrhea

IRVINE, CA. - Following the news that McDonald’s will be expanding its custom burger test, Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed has announced that Taco Bell will soon allow customers to customize their diarrhea. “There’s no ignoring it –The food customization trend is here to stay” said Creed, revealing that Taco Bell patrons will soon be able to pick from a variety of options for their individualized diarrhea. “Red, green, chunky, full of corn – the options are endless.”

Taco Bell’s Chief Marketing Officer Chris Brandt was quick to interject that this decision was long in the making, and not a response to the rising popularity of food customization spurred by the success of Chipotle. “Taco Bell has spent the last several years deciding whether customers should be given the choice to make their own diarrhea,” announced Brandt. “After numerous case studies and independent focus groups, we realized the time had finally come to let customers make the runny, burning diarrhea that was right for them.”

When questioned about what this meant for the future of Taco Bell, Creed noted, “The introduction of made-to-order, customized diarrhea will not impact the Taco Bell menu. Taco Bell is proud of its creations and will continue to serve the old diarrhea our customers know and love.” In a separate press conference, Waffle House announced plans to create a delivery system that will allow patrons to get stabbed in the safety and comfort of their own homes.