Testimonial: The Unicorn Frappuccino Turned Me GAY

For the past week, students at Norris and the greater masses of the nation have been buzzing about Starbucks’ latest limited-edition beverage: The Unicorn Frappuccino.

The drink, with its bubble gum pink slush, squirts of baby blue syrup, and sour sprinkles, has incited polarizing reactions. The drink’s detractors will likely tell you “It’s fucking disgusting, like wet cotton candy and ground up Warheads.”

Fans of the new drink rave, “It’s pretty bad.” But taste aside, there’s something people need to know about the beverage. I’ll preface my story with this: before I drank the Unicorn Frappuccino, I was really, really straight.

It’s going to sound crazy, but the Unicorn Frappuccino turned me gay. Just hear me out. Yesterday, I’m in line at Norbucks, planning to get my usual, a peach green tea lemonade. It’s the perfect blend of tea and fruit! But as I approach the cashier, I see the ad for the Unicorn. I GOTTA try it, right?

I order a tall just in case I hate it. I find it mildly tolerable. I just didn’t expect the aftertaste.

Later that night, I’m watching Glee season 2 bloopers, cuddling with my best friend Jennifer. We’re watching an outtake from the “Rocky Horror” episode where Finn is shirtless. Of course I’ve watched this number several times for Corey Monteith’s amazing acting, RIP. But all of a sudden, something hit me: Shirtless Corey Monteith is HOT.

I mean LOOK at him.

This revelation came with a slew of others. Rapidly, my love for Connie Britton became deeply entrenched in feelings of parental abandonment. Next, I suddenly held the belief that I could get away with light misogyny. And perhaps most disturbing: my use of drag lingo skyrocketed beyond acceptable levels for a white man. “Yass Gawwwd, Werk!” I found myself saying repeatedly, like hiccups of appropriation.

Was it that I had finally found a safe place with a supportive friend? No. Was it that college has shaken me out of my lifelong state of repression and guilt? Haha, Repression who?

There is only one explanation. Before I drank that fabulous (LISTEN TO ME!) drink, I was just a chill dude who blow-dries his hair and hates being pinned down by a relationship. But after my fateful indulgence, I started compulsively googling “best adoption agencies in Illinois” and “how does not having a mother affect a child?” AND WHERE DID I GET THIS “I’m With Her” BUTTON??!!

This was not in my bedside drawer before I had that frappuccino.

Look, gay people are great. But I thought at least I would have a CHOICE in being one! That’s what everyone in my church youth group always told me: being gay is a choice. And the moment I drank the Unicorn Frappuccino, I made mine.

I have just one thing to say to Starbucks. To quote Elphaba and Glinda in the act I closer of Wicked, “I hope you’re happy now.”