Belated Hot Take: The Dress is Gold and White

I’ve put off writing about this for a little while because the subject is so polarizing and, honestly, extremely frustrating. But I have to stand for what’s right. I have to make sure my voice is heard. I’m tired of lies. I thirst for the truth. I want to facilitate a dialogue that matters. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to have kids someday. I want to name those kids Parsley and Magenta, and I want them to play viola and trumpet, respectively. But above all, I want them to know that their father was a passionate advocate for the truth.

Here we go.

THE DRESS IS GOLD AND WHITE. I’ve stared at it for hours. Days. Probably months if you did the math. I haven’t had time for math, because I’ve been looking at this dress for so long, but I’m positive. I have a photo of the dress taped to the ceiling above my bed so that every morning I can gaze upon it with fresh eyes. And every morning, it’s a gold and white dress.

I honestly can’t believe this is something we need to argue about! The. Dress. Is. Gold. And. White. Literally nothing has ever been more gold and white than this dress. I once went to a Road to El Dorado themed party at Princeton, and this dress is still golder and whiter than that. I watched the 2016 Academy Awards and this dress is far golder and whiter. Even that time Katy Perry wore grills couldn’t compete with this goddamn dress.

It just gets me going because I, like the gold and white dress, am often misunderstood. People think I don’t do anything. That nothing matters to me. They’re wrong. I care about many things. For example: the gold and white dress. For other example: magicians. I love magicians. They are so fun. I don’t particularly enjoy magic tricks, it’s more just an appreciation of magicians as a concept.

There is no black in this dress. There is no blue in this dress. I don’t even know why we’re FUCKING talking about either of those colors. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two colors in the whole world. Gold and white. I mean...BLUE? And BLACK? Are you COLORBLIND? No… no… you’re something else. If you think hat this stunning dress that I happen to be staring at right now is ANYTHING but GOLD and WHITE--

Oh wait. I sort of see it now. There--the, uh, yep, the blue, and then the...ah. Huh.