Campus Review: Searle Misdiagnosed My Tuberculosis as “Allergies”

After a relatively illness-free Freshman year, I started feeling a bit under the weather (probably from lack of sleep, or maybe from the rat I licked in the Elder laundry room on a dare. Who knows?) Either way, I decided I should take the trek down to Searle for the first time.

When I told my friends I was going, they were horrified. One girl said her pneumonia wasn’t properly diagnosed for three months. Another told me she lost her left leg after they misidentified her gangrene as a sinus infection. I promptly got an appointment for that day.

As soon as I arrived, I was enthralled. Searle has the sterile-yet-somehow-grimy appearance that every campus health center should have, complete with surgical face masks that you can use to further ostracize yourself from your peers.

I was set up with Dr. Jessica, who asked me my symptoms.

“Oh, you know,” I said. “Sore throat, stuffy nose, shitting myself. The S-trifecta.”

“Mhm,” she nodded. “Stuffy nose. Pretty common these days.”

She explained to me that I most likely had seasonal allergies and that there was very little I could do.

“Does that explain this swelling?” I asked, my face practically consumed by my gigantic lymph nodes.

“It’s probably fine,” she explained, as I vomited blood directly onto the floor in front of her. “Nothing a little nasal spray can’t fix!”

Five days later, after diligently using my nasal spray morning and night, my roommate found me passed out on the floor of our dorm room, covered in an unidentified fluid. I was quickly transported to North Shore Hospital and diagnosed with Tuberculosis. Three hospital officials fainted at the sight of my rash.

Other than the isolation of quarantine, everything has been going pretty well since. The doctors tell me I’ll definitely be able to overcome my crippling nasal spray addiction, and I might even learn to walk again!

Overall? Searle was extremely prompt and WAY cheaper than a correct diagnosis. 3.5/5 stars.