This Mother’s Day, “Hot Cookie Bar” Renamed to “Beautiful Cookie Bar” in Support of Women's Rights

  It’s that time of year again: Mother’s Day. Time to scramble to whatever bootleg Hallmark store you can find and grab a two dollar, frog themed card to scribble your short sentiments about your literal Day One. Maybe it says something like “TOADally glad you’re my Mom”? For the woman who birthed and raised you? Fuck you. You know what I got my mom for mother’s day this year, other than a beautifully crafted text? Activism.

        I was sick and tired of the objectification of baked goods running rampant on this campus. That’s right, I, the male Gloria Steinem, shatterer of glass ceilings, petitioned thousands of students to get ASG to rename “Hot Cookie Bar” to “Beautiful Cookie Bar”. I personally found it disgusting that this glorified microwaved cookie dough was being reduced to its looks, which honestly are not that great anyways. Can someone say inventor of feminism? Someone please say it.

        “It was about time that us here at Sodexo addressed the anti-feminist agenda present in our famous dessert”, admits James Lindley, Sodexo’s Chief Marketing Strategist. “It’s time that we join the 21st century, which means intersectional feminism, for women and processed food alike”.  They’ve even changed some of the flavor names! Now, Chocolate Chip is named Chocolate Charlotte. S’Mores? More like S’More Respect for Women and What They Go Through on a Daily Basis! Representation, you love to see it. I know I do.

        In the next coming weeks, I will be implementing more radical changes on this campus. We’re talking no more cups of “Joe” at Norbucks, no more fraternities, fuck it, no more Dildo Day. Why does everything have to be phallic, guys? Unreal.

        I hope I’ve given you all some serious thinking to do. You buy your card while I sit wait and wait for my mom to tell me this is the best gift she’s ever received.

UPDATE:  Alright, I don’t think my mom was super receptive to this gift (see correspondence below). You know what, go buy your mom that card, it’s TOADally cute as shit.